bed

i need my fucking BED...i cna't believe i am still awake..today was sooooo long and kinda icky at times......tomorrow is going to be interesting as well....but i will blog about this day and otmorrow...tomorrow...for now it is sleep that awaitith me; underith the cover i go where dream doth tickle my fantasies marked heavy in...stuff

re-cap

Last night was absolute fun as usual, it consisted of hanging with e for a while as t took a nap and some quick pregameing as we all got ready.It made me somewhat happy to hear t talk about her dream of me and her living together as I hadone as well and then e stated that he has had dreams of living with t, living with me, and living with the both of us....which i think needs to happen...especially if we are all dreaming it...and i felt a feeling that i couldn't identify...it was a squee-ish type feeling..and finally identified it...i got all girly when he said he saw me in hi dream...gah..ever feel like you just know something??and also feel like nothing has ever felt more right in your life??? there's a million thingsi want to say but not sure how to say them so i won't until they come to me...
Despite my face-eating sinus monger and t's lung death we still all managed to have a great time from the get go. The night felt charged with energy and almost crackled a little bit...and oh what an amazing reading by s and the talking as well, she was so chatty!! This night was much needed for me, this is a very rough weekend and being around certain individuals helped more than ever and i actaully made it through the night. After drinking and antics we all went back to t's and watched many a silly thing and laughed until our sides hurt and finally called it a night.I drove e home...and we kissed goodnight...i wish i could kiss him forever
---i live for these nights and can't wait until they get warmer!!!!WOOOOOOO!!!!
-----together..we are....T.E.D

Rush

I totally couldn't believe the time...I need to do EVERYTHING at once or i'll be late...although i'm usually late...don't know how...or why...but something always catches me to make me that little bit late and the snowball effect comes onto play lol....AHHHHH sinus infection eating my FACE...time to get ready...and squee-ness

come tomorrow

come tomorrow i will post the whole story but these two rememberance short blogs are all for now :o)

apologies beforehand

and I apologise before tonight...It may come to be that I get a little emotional...but I feel I need it....tonight is goign to signify a unity and a rebirth almost of who I was, of new friends, and ones who are no longer around....so just bare with me...it's not going to be like a sad depressing emotion...but like i said in the last blog it will be more tears of release, letting go, and rememberance as well as appreciation for all T and E ahve given and brought into my life....you can let e know beforehand as well so he isn't left out in left field haha....but i know it is going to be an amazing night....the weather is already in all sorts of odd and yeah...see you guys in a few hours....i need to come up with names for you for my blog....

missing you

tomorrow marks the 2nd year anniversary of your death....The amount of joy you brought into the lives of friends and family around you was too great to imagine...and I wish that you could have seen that before taking the final steps towards the ending of your life...I find myself in a new light with all of this...It's no longer the deep grief, guilt or mourning that i'm feeling but just a rememberance of your life and appreciation of everything you gave us while you were here, I will be wearing the green ribbon where ever i go for the next few days..but you...I will always carry your memory in my heart for as long as I live. I miss you but can still feel you guiding and watching over me. I will make a toast tonight to your life as well as Justin's and to T and E for picking me up and moving me on....the biggest lesson you taught me....is to live life in the best and most loving way...and even though that seems a bit ironic in that you eventaully took your life, your heart always spoke that lesson to me..and now, all that has come to pass, I can finally feel as though I'm actaully living life instead of watching it... Rest in Peace, my friend
In memory of Matt Crick
(November 4th, 1987 - February 27, 2007)

and....

at least i know i'm not contagious!!!!!! can't wait for tonight!!!!

face infection

i've been batteling a sinus infection since last week....my face hurts....and my nose smells funny....i think i need antibiotics...before my brain falls out :op

withdrawl

i'm thoroughly goign through t and e withdrawl.......this is nuts.....but only a few more hours!!!!!! and the pregaming will commence....by the way...the mother looked at alllllll of the pictures form last week's antics.....i just laughed...and she gave the semi-disapproving you're crazy but funny, mother laugh....who knows what tomorrow will hold

haha

i totally just looked at my last blog really fast before i posted it and all i caught at the end was "holy wetness batman"

wavelengths

....Since this recent change and my sudden and amazing progression forward weird things have been happening...Like some type of radiating wavelenthg of energy is just beaming from me and reaching people that i used to be friends with years and years ago...all of the sudden people are coming out of the woodwork that i haven't talked to in years that were mostly good high school friends and pepole i've lost touch with...and it feels connected....so i'm going with that...but it is just strange that all at once all these people are calling me and writing on my facebook wall and just holy weirdness batman.....

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

i'm starting a log of my dreams..S has brought it up many many times....so i figured i should really make an attempt....let's see how it goes

oh the people you meet while at starbucks

today started off quiteweird...i woke up in tears...have no idea why and was an emotional fucking mess for hours....and finally i just took a breath....and everything stopped spinning...emotions calmed to the serene ocean inside me gently swelling and falling and swelling and falling and i could think rationally....wow rational thought...me...never thought that would happen....and i've never had that control over what used to be a constant raging stormy sea.......it was...enlightening....anyway i went to starbucks early to meet some of the head honchos of the company and i noticed one of our "favorite" customers come in....she starts off every greeting the same "Hey can I tell you something???" me:"sure", her:"you're really cute, do you have a girlfriend??tell her that she isa very luckylady" so i just laugh and giggle even more inside my head at that and she'll sit down for a moment before speaking again...mind you she gave me her life story...every single time i've met her....she was involved with a guy that was a drug addict, they were driving one day on the highway and he decided to shoot up while driving....he verdosed, had a seizure and flipped the car going 80 and left her with a traumatic brain injury that took away her inner filter and eft her with permanent short term memory loss.....so yeah i feel bad about that....buuuuut the first time i met her i was actaully working at the time and she told me i was cute and then proceded to ask m how many "chicken heads" i had....and then quite loudly said "you know, girls that just suck your dick" i turned purple and laughed so ridiculously uncomfortably as customers behind her immediately stopped and stared at me...mothers with their kids....elderly...and our regular customers.....
anyway, today went like this
her:"how long have you worked here?"
me:"since August"
her"Oh you're still just a baby in the store"
me "yup, pretty much..."
her: "so do all the ladies still breast feed you??could I get in on that?"
me:"hahahahaha.....ahhhhhhhhh"
so i turned red again....and laughed......and then of course as she was leaving she looked at my ear and said "how many bars do you have??" "I'd like to see the hidden ones, i et you got your dick pierced too...talk to you later" and she walked out the door....meanwhile i'm sitting there just trying to filter what just happened...and also handle all the customers staring at me...not her but at me....and i look over and my manager was pointing and laughing at me....i wanted to slap him....oh the people i encounter at times...especially at starbucks.....what a weird fucking day...the fucking was totally needed

in my heart

and this....this is the groundedness within my heart...the light of hope..that nver left me even when giving everything up seemed like the only way out....but then you guys never would have had your 3rd....and i would have missed out on so so much.....this piece....this pece was performed also by the WCSU chamber singers....it was right after the year of Matt's passing and only a few days after justin's wake that we sang through it the first time.....i never ever could mae it through the piece....so it became part of me....and i tattooed part of the lyric on my back..to me it sings of war and pain but of the inner peace, just sing....be....live....a light of song shining strong....and music and singing have been my refuge....it's about living through the absolute hardest times and still finding the strength, beauty, courage, and hope that everything will in fct be ok...and now i've found you two....and things are ok again...and my life is changing...for the better.....and not a day goes by that i don't thank the man upstairs for that....i lost two vy very dear friends.....and two others were sent to guide me out, to pick me up and lead me forward...to show me once again how to live in the light instead of just existing in the dark......i love oyu guys.....there aren't words to express it..

Already over

this video, in short..explains a lot...of what and where i'm coming from and towards what i'm searching for and have found....i'll let this video do the talking

Hello

After taking a hiatus from live joural days I've felt it needed to once again begin a blog. My life lately has been under going rapid change, spiritual, physical, opportunistic changes taking me from a stagnation which many of us suffer in life to a whole new reality and way of pursuing that which we all search for: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

My life, in short, has been not exactly ordinary and I'm not going to deny the extreme hard times and instances that I have faced nor deny the changes and adverse changes that have taken place because of said circumstances. When one is on the brink of dying or has been in the deepest reaches of a dark psyche for half their life hope can seem far away, almost non-existant at times and when one comes out of that sleep, that horrible nightmare the world can hold so much more beauty than one could ever imagine. This blog is being started to record and document this amazing journey i've only just begun; i've woken up, rejoined the living, the sun is now shining in my life once again....I've never found or experienced such grounding to my life before...I used to feel as if I was floating through space getting zapped and knocked off course by energies so to speak, always looking on and recognizing the amazing beauty that everything can possess...Only now I am held fast by my feet with the same energies of everything around me no longer bump into me but pass through me and i feel connected to everything and everyone, intuition is peaking, energy levels are rising inside me and i've become part of the beauty around me instead of being just a mere on-looker ad my heart is filled to the brink with passion and love....i've been awakened...and I owe it all to two very very special people, you know who you are. My life is changing for the better and i wish to document and share with whoever else may stumble upon this in hopes that words here may help others who are looking for a way out of their everyday, routine, stagnant ways of life.

Here is my journey

"a journey leads us on and on
to where it goes we do not know
only to follow in trust and faith
and appreciate all for beauty's sake

find life's rose
and water it with love
let it flow through lank and limb
so your light may never go dim

reality is but a mask for true life
under the skin of time
which can not dictate
the wisdom of experience
or man the vessel of the spirit

let love in
and feel your heart blossom"
--Dan Ahrens 2009