now for the rest

Today was rough....There's been a lot on my mind about money things and everything...not getting paid on time....the works...Sunday is Justin's birthday....I miss him dearly...Sunday I will be going to the cemetery to bring him flowers and wish him a happy birthday...ironic...birthday...and I'm wishing him a happy one...even though he is six feet underground...but sure enough...when i got home...and grounded and centered myself...with the help of the other great energies in the house i felt calmer...yes things are still on my head...but i calmed down..was able to think rationally and more in depth about what is bothering me...not to mention calmed down quite a bit from the conversation with a friend that left me shaking with fury....This video and song is by one of the most influential people I've ever come across...This is Lisa Gerrard...you may have heard her voice on film soundtracks such as Gladiator...The Insider...Ali...Salem's Lot...Whale Rider.. etc... She has my exact view and theory on music...it comes from the universe around us and is interpreted internally...that it provides an escape from the fleshy prisons that bind us to this world...that the expression and emotion expressed is the deepest form of expression...She sings in her own language...and uses her body as a vessel...you'll see what I mean....She goes to show that the deepest of emotion and the deepest parts of the soul can be understood by all without a form of understandable lyrics...and that words are, in fact, more limiting and binding when used to express an emotion....just watch...and really feel this video and song.....you won't be disappointed.

vent

this one is for a friend...a friend that started the same old shit with me today that was one of the main causes for our break up years ago....It's always me being there for him and when i finally take a breather and am under a lot of stress and the focus is not on how he is feeling i get accused...i get words shoved down my throat...thoughts that were not mine taken out of my head....I get accused of being a bad friend, of not being there when "he needed me" of making excuses to not hang out with him...that I don't really want the friendship....and nothing i say will be the right thing..and nothing i do will be the right move....I'm fucking done with that...where was he during the hardest times of my life....when i had a hole in my heart and soul the size of the universe..when i lost not one but two people that were so precious to my heart....where was he when i felt so dead inside that i did not care what happened to me...where was he when i reached out to him for a friend....that's right...nowhere in sight...he was always busy on school work..always busy working on the CD...always busy writing music....so I don't ever want to fucking hear that he's always been there for me.....I don't want to hear that the sole reason why i haven't talked to him in a week is because i don't want his friendship anymore...or that I'm lieing to him to not hurt his feelings...I've been so stressed out over things lately, mainly money and paying for rent and bills and my credit payments...working a job that is over an hour away because my manager won't follow up on my transfer....what my future is going to hold as far as my job status.....did he ever stop to think that maybe i need some time to sort through my head??did he ever try and think that oh maybe there's something wrong and that is why he's pulled back a little?? No, he hasn't....as soon as his problems are not at the forefront of my world then all hell breaks loose...i get accused of being selfish...of never being there...of not trying...well you know what this one is for you.

2nd video for today

Translation:

I'm waiting
I was waiting, waiting for a long time
In the dark shadow of grey towers
In the dark shadow of rain towers
You will see me waiting forever
One day it will come back
Over the seas, over the lands
Over the lands, over the seas
To steal me on the trunks
It will come back full of spray
In the dark shadow of the black towers
Will come back the blue wind
To breathe my wounded heart
I will be pulled away by its blow
Far away by its stream to another land
I will be pulled away by its breath
Far away by its stream, wherever it wants
Wherever it wants, far away from this world
Between the sea and the stars

video one for today

sleep

i'm verging on no sleep as of late...as it is now 5:38 in the morning and the sun is rising...and no sleep yet....everyone has now gone to sleep....and the cycle continues where ever i go...i'm always the last one up and awake..trying to keep myself busy and my mind occpied enogh for me to catch a break in my thoughts and lay my head to rest for a few hours....yeah ive started smoking lightly again.....i feel horrible about it....but i'm so damn stressed out lately...especially about money....i hate it...money sucks....yet i desire it...i guess i just hate not having money.....i shouldn't blog this late (early) because it always comes across as the world is wrong...it's not....i'm so happy through the day...but for many years now i've used late nights as time for me....to ponder...to think....which isn't always a good thing in certain areas.....so that is why the last few blogs have been all heavy thinky type.....because it's late and i've already spent the whole night walking a maze in my head....Oracle stated that he worries for me...being an insomniac....but his company late at night really gets me through it easier....



You think this is how I am jsut because i'm not settled in all the way and don't have a bed...but you'll soon learn that this heart and soul are never at rest...well that's a lie...but at night at least...and this does continue...as it will when i'm fully settled in here....bedrooms make me feel more isolated....and when your biggest fear is that you are going to wake up one day completely alone...everyone either deserting you or suddenly vanishing...isolation or feelings of isolation can be very hard to deal with let alone sleep through..(now you guys know my absolute biggest fear)..but i won't show it....Oracle got it right with the whole chimera thing....i won't let it show...and i'll do exactly what i've done for as long as i remember....just keep swimming

5:44 in the morning...my last post for the morning

I wanted to share this with you...a song that has gotten me through the worst of times....it made me notice that I have been stronger through certain things in my life than i ever really gave myself credit for...for the simple fact that i would never give up hope......and in a few ways....that is why i'm alive today...literally.....i know you guys are still getting to know my past....emotionally it has been hell...at times.....and i feel that i'm being rewarded now...rewarded with a home...and friends that i love with all that i am.....so i'd like to pass that to anyone out there that has ever felt lost, tired, beaten down, depressed, sad, lonely...at the edge....those who are about to give up.....you're never alone in any of it...there is always a soul or souls out there going through it as well.....never give in or give up.....

Song for today

I'm sitting here..the sun is rising....so many colors...so much energy....and the horizon sings to me...peace....calm....soul at ease....and I've decided to post this video for today....and also because Jessye Norman is my absolute favorite classical vocalist....ever...end of story....just listen and absorb the radiance she brings...let it move you....travel outside your body as I do when I melt into music....just feel

song for yesterday

Here is what I felt best described the feeling in me yesterday...here is "Leaving Hope" by Nine Inch Nails

Long time , no blog

So I've been sucking at this blog thing lately.....I need to get better at this.....Yesterday....Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. I've been waking up in sweats again...waking with fear in my heart and mind..this overwhelming sense of ugh...it happens now and then....but now I get super paranoid...paranoid because the death dreams are also coming back...I'm hoping they end soon because when they continue someone always dies...It has happened with every death in my life..it starts as an uncomfortable feeling..forboding...ominous...like there is a film over my skin that i can't seem to wash off...then the dreams start...they grow in intensity and freqency until the inevitable happens...I hope I'm wrong this time......Yesterday it hit me and I started to dwell; my mind acted as the usual chasm of twists and turns and paths that lead directly to a feeling of ick....I couldn't wait to get home in order to bask in the amazing energy of my loves....and at first...i didn't feel instant relief like I expected...But it slowly washed over me like a blanket of warm fuzziness and I gradually became myself again....they put my soul at ease...I've never experienced anything like it....And the new addition to the group...what an amazing type of energy....it's so unique....It's as if he casts a blanket of energy over you that just wraps you in warmth and security....it's so strong yet so.....elusive...for the simple fact that you don't notice it until you pay attention to it...I felt the three energies around me and within me...and I was whole again....and singing also helped a lot...Today went MUCH better even though I had to work on the one nice day out of the whole f'ing month....It was a great shift and went by pretty fast...I'm still wide awake, and the last one up in the house...but I feel my soul is safe here.....
--------apparently there is a flood watch for us....what an interesting time to get a weather alert....hehehe
tomorrow is work...yet again...but I need the hours and the money....and it's only a 4 hour shift...then it is party time and a day off on sunday...which will probably be spent doing yard work for my grandmother...i can't really complain...I'll be outside in the sun and will be getting paid for it...any income counts right? more blogging soon!!!!

song for the day

I thought this video fit perfectly because first off the lyrics are very easy to relate to at this point in my life and second of all the amount of magic and awe and love that Girl-Creature and Oracle bring to my life is absolutely RIDONCULOUS and I can't help but stop and just observe them sometimes and be completely taken back and amazed at the wonderment of my other two pieces.....the ones i've searched for so long to reunitee with....after so many lives andyears and.....i remember you!



"I know good things
I know bad as well
Any witness to the world will tell
If there is sorrow
Then there is beauty and trust
A secret pearl inside the heart of us...

So truly, if there's light then I want to see it
Now that I know what I am looking for
Truly, if there's joy then I want to feel it
Here in this world is where I want to be
'Cause I can't cry anymore

And there is magic now, under blood red trees,
All the sky will scream a mystery
And if we're strangers here
From the day we are born
Why be afraid of freedom if it is yours?

So truly, if there's light then I want to see it
Now that I know what I am looking for
Truly, if there's joy then I want to feel it
Here in this world is where I want to be
'Cause I can't cry anymore

All the world is calling, calling out my name
All the world is saying it won't be the same
All the sky is showing how it's gonna be"

I'm here...

people say home is where the heart is.....that it is a feeling.....not a dwelling....I never knew this statement to be true until recently...and all the searching and longing for a place to call home over the past i don't know how many years is over.....I'm home...I've found it....I should say I've found them....When I'm with them I'm so strong, confident in everything, aspects of my being that i never knew were there are brought right to the surface....We are one and three..and I can finally feel I'm loved and that I belong with these two...and for once in my life I know that I am right where I am supposed to be without one doubt in my mind..There is no uncertainty...and there is so much love...my soul beams every day...and it gets increasingly harder to pry myself away from Girl-Creature and Oracle whenever I have to leave for periods of time...like two pieces are suddenly removed from me and my strength fades...so much love for you guys :o)