It akes me think of a time when i was young...when i didn't know anything outside my world of security and family closeness....a time when I wn't yet beaten down by some of the horrible things this world can do...the age of innocence and ignorance..I wouldn't change the path I've taken now whether it be the good or bad because it has been one hell of a journey...but thinking of that book and of my mother reading it to me...it's cute and furry
I have a stye...i get one every spring in the same spot on my right eyelid....only this time it is really red and my whole eyelid is swollen and it looks like i got punched....GROSS...anyway i have to go to work...i really wish i could call out but we don't have enough people to cover...and then i have to work more on a gift.....you're gonna like it :op when i ever get it finished.....i shall have one part of your stuff tonight and the other on tuesday when you come down for movie night.....i feel like the biggest loser because this isn't done in time....but i hope you understand :op''' I LOVE YOU!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!see oyu in a few hours!!!!
Never be the token drunk tramp that sleeps with everyone at the same party
Well there is a difference..There is no harm in flirting or flaunting in a certain aspect...everyone enjoys feeling attractive at times...It gets you drinks..steamy makeout sessions if you want to go there...trips to nepal.....It gets you attention in certain areas...but leave it at that unless it's some circumstance saying otherwise...Trampy is being over the top and sleeping around with everyone that will look your way.....or that girl at the party that would make out with your dog if given the chance....sexuality is nothing to be feared, it is part of us, embrace it....but don't go over the top...it's all about moderation ad wise choices....there's a difference between teasing and temtping and giving it all up...thats what makes you easy....and no one wants to be that easy....all but that token drunk girl that lights the wrong end of her cigarette at parties....i once knew a girl that would wear mini skirts that were already 3 sizes too small and would cause her to walk around similar to what a frog would look like walking on its two back legs....her danger zone was always in danger of popping out and she would do anything that would come her way....gross....be sexy....be charming....flaunt it without overdoing it....aknowledge the fact that you may have eyes on you....but keep it there..it adds mystery....it adds substance...and an intrigue that will leave a lasting impression on another..
I have been deeply deeply desiring to go to a certain spot along the mohawk trail at peterson park with T and E....to be in my element with the two closest people to me....the two that understand this urge to be surrounded by the woods...with water flowing all around...and the damp smell of the mossy trees and rocks....and soft pine-needled ground.....it would be sensory overload....and i think there could be such magic that could happen between the presence of the three of us i nthat one spot...i want to FEEL NATURE....it's getting to be my time....strike that...our time of the year....and i want to experience these things with you guys....so next warm day that we all have off...we are going to that spot....i have a feeling...that the presece of you guys with me...is goign to have a certain effect...and i want to test that theory out :op
my mother is home again cause she is sick....upper respritory infection...sound familiar anyone?? haha anyway i guess it is nice to have her here during the day even though i usually use this as my quiet time on my days off....I'm really trying to take in the moments i have with the parents, especially my mother as of late...i just realized that sometimes i take having her for granted....and i never ever want to do that with anyone...i'm going to be moving out soon and things undoubtedly are heading into a glorious new chapter in my life and i'm so excited...so now i must absorb the moments i haave living under one roof with them. Anyway today is a day of speculation...of contemplation...my mind is sound...for now at least and i feel i can think more in depth without my raging emotions getting in the way...well they are still raging but today has been a day to accept them raging, acknowledge them and put the aside for the time being....i'm still shopping for someone...as well as making something i think you'll like.....it is your birfday after all...but that is the only hints i'm giving you :op''' well that is all to report for now, i must get dressed and get ready for the day and not waste the glorious sunlit sky outside...i have work tonight...ick...6:45 to 10:45...what an annoying shift....only 4 hours....yak....people should come visit!!!
Cameron came over last night..we talked the night before....i've been warning and talking with him just because i want him to move on to a brighter future...i want him to get over this and sometimes i feel so bad that he fell that deep with me....because i hate to ssay that he is not the one that i'm supposed to be with....his energy didn't match up to mine...the soul energy familiarity i look for wasn't there....the personalities were too different.....he's a great guy...a little clingy at times.....but he's a good soul.....and i hate hurting innocent people.....it's just hard to tell someone that may love you that they aren't the one you are supposed to fall in love with...and that it just isn't working.....anyway he came over and we hung out and watched a movie, it was cool...i just hope that he can do that alright without adversly affecting his own psyche....if he needs time he needs time and shouldn't be hanging with the one that has been making him so crazy....i told him this and he said it wouldn't matter anyway....but i don't see hwo that is possible....more later!!!!! enjoy the sun everyone!!!!!
sometimes the world parallels itself in so many ways and everything is connected....in some weird sort of odd worldy way....
after this horrid week with my head and feeling like hope was lost...it was restored again tonight....such a beautiful night....here is the video....and i lvoe you guys so much
I have a feeling this song will come into play this comming fall for us....AH!!!
and i'm speachless...eyes watery....for i can't express what that just meant to me.....i'm going for a walk or a drive to think....and i'm crying...because i so absolutely appreciate beautiful and meaningful things when they are done for me...i ever ask for much....i don't need much....so when things happen or are wrtten i really and absolutely appreciate them....thank you for that beautifulness you painted on your blog....you always have a knack for making me feel that no matter what....things wil somehow be ok...even when at times they feel everything but.....i really can't wait until we finally live together....no more nights i na dim room where thoughts are all i have whether i want them in my head or not.....and even if everyone is sleeping i know that i will be able to feel the energies from you and e to help guide me through the night.....and in all honesty i really feel this inherant loneliness that builds up inside my soul is partially from a past life......i know something happened....and i do know that without love my life is meaningless....and like i said i can get by on my own....but i can't explain it....it's just this deep deep pit inside me that really has been there for as long as i can remember....i dunno i have a lot of crazy thoughts on the subject....we should chat about crazy thoughts soemtime!!! haha and fingerpanting....sounds absolutely needed in our daily lives...thank you for moving me to the point of tears....and for really showing me that i'm not alone... :o)
"And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so
Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot
To tell you...."
indulgent....although sometimes we have to be indulgent to be sinsible
Kilarney...The Shire...same difference
Because it is probably one of my top two most beautiful places i've ever been to..The countryside is like nothing i've ever seen...So green and Earthy smelling...and the people are so kind and welcoming and the pubs are just amazing....It would be like living in the shire from Lord of the Rings.....
Yes, it has been this type of day.....i'm a little nervous to seewhat the night will bring hahaha
"tell me, why are you alive? What is your meaning; your purpose?"
"Without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock....ticking"
Because it is so true...Without emotion, without the good or the bad there is nothing...we would not have our humanity without emotion...no music, no books, no movies, imagination and the ability to dream for ourselves would not exist. it would be a cold, cold world...and something i hope i never have to see
ahhh tonight was amazing...and amazingly awesome after the dancing with old people thing....i can't believe the place that we found......it's so us...i would describe and explain more except i'm sleep deprived and high as a kite sooooooo tomorrow it will be
is this place real??? can aplace that is 4,000 square feet honestly be this cheap to rent????YES CAUSE WE BELIEVE IN DREAMS!!!!!
She Just Can't Live With Herself by Brianne Chasanoff
Because it captures the missing of someone and the longing to still be near them even though you know it will never happen again...and it does so in such an amazing way
Basically if you listen to this song you will know....it is almost on the edge of insanity about someone who was left and neglected by someone they loved...great song
I had dreams as I do from time to time about Matt last night...The first one I had of him was the night right before his wake...i was in a funeral home kneeling in front of a casket with the look of complete despair on my face and tears running freely don my cheeks...and I noticed someone kneel next to me...I turned and it wa him....he looked at me with compassion and apologetic eyes...and his smile...that smile i will never ever forget...the brightest most hope filled smile i've ever seen...that smile came across his face and he chuckled and said "Can you fucking blieve this shit?"...I asked him why...but I already felt why he did it in my heart..why he chose to end his life...he put his hand to my cheek and said "i'll always be with you" and i woke up...and sobbed....and even now..i feel his energy around me all the time...especially when the nights seem helpless and without hope..almost as if he gives me hugs from time to time..because i feel it in my heart....i've gone twice so far to the cemetery this month to have a chat...because that is what i would do if he were alive...he would listen to anyone who needed an ear or a shoulder to cry on....so I still do that even if i now have to speak through 6 feet of ground...last night I had a dream...there was no verbal communication just mental and emotional....and the whole time this song was playing throughout the dream...so it will be my third song for the day....I miss you....I will always miss you...your smell, your smile, your kindness...your embrace..the way you always seemed so light and careless...the party animal we knew you to soemtimes be...the dancing...the love you showed to each and every one of your friends....your constant search for enlightenment..your way of accepting and looking for the good in everyone you would meet along the way..and your ability to see and bring out the best part in everyone around you....You changed my life...my outlook...my being..jsut by knowing you you brought out the parts of me that i was afraid to show anybody...and now i live through them everyday...you made me a stronger and better person...you opened my heart and allowed ove to flow so freely for everybody.....the life lessons you taught me can never ever be forgotten...the one thing i regret is never being able to tell you this in person before your time came...I miss you my friend
Your smile shines in my heart and I will forever keep it there...and as I vow to treat others as you did...with absolute open hearted love..It will be there that you are alive once more...and your legacy will be passedon...No one ever said it would be easy.........but no one ever said it would be this hard....but i'm healing....and i've found two friends that i can thank for that...for every time i'm with them my heart feels less broken....and i'm not scared that my heart will stop beating anymore....I know i'm not out of the woods yet...and that there are deep scars left by this and everything else from the past few years....but like everything else...it just takes a little time..with the people you care most about..you guys know who you are...
The line near the start of the song says it all "As long as yo are true to the life that you live, this is the time to feel love"
It speaks of being true to yourself and reawakening..of finding something in your life that changes you so immensly that it projects you forward to a brighter future
"I feel a stirring deep within, slowly, picking up momentum, like the tide coming into shore, over and under in its course.Every nerve like a firelfly, glowing, this feeling emblazed inside, every nerve like a firefly.. I never want to lose what I have finally found. There's a requiem; a new congregation and it's telling me go forward and walk under a brighter sky"
So i've decided today that I am goign to post a song or two per day to describe the type of day it is.. and the first one I will post is this
this song speaks of such passion but of a deep longing as well...two things I often feel and have felt for a long time. The time has come in this world to let down guards, to let feelings through and to let them guide you i nall you ever do. This song matched this day in that I feel completely and utterly passionate from the very center of my heart
moist
because it just sounds gross
vulva
because it just sounds gross
seen
because people don't know how to correctly use it... i.e "You know what I seen yesterday?"
definitely
because for some reason i never spell it correctly
vagina
who the hell looked at it and said "I'm going to call it... VAGINA"?!?! really?
you're and your
when people misuse these it makes me want to punch someone's nostril "I'm ot going to do it, YOUR goign to do it" I mean come on...use it right...My old band put out an album and made the mistake of letting the band member with the worst english skills give the track listing to the people making our book...our first song on the album was called "You're Mine"....well we got over 700 completed albums that said "Your Mine" and believe me I brought it up..and no one in the band besides the guitarist found a problem with it...and no, the song was not about inner self conflict like the title then suggested
ask
it is not AXE, you are not going to violently murder someone with a question, you are going to ask someone a question....
finger
something bugs me about this...i can't put my finger on it
Today was great, I told myself that it was going to be a better day than yesterday and went from a deep contemplative mode to a very energetic and lighthearted by the end of the night. Today was filled with class and work, the gym, and denny's with a very drunk friend....it was....interesting...he confessed his love for me and my friend Liz and told her that if he were straight he would do things to her holes....ummmmm yeah....the gym today rocked my socks...i put myself through one hell of a workout and am going to feel it tomorrow....and i can't wait for pajama night tomorrow!!! sleep for me...zzZZzzZZ
i swore to myself that i would not let this defeating side win again.....i think sleep may help...and tomorrow is a brand new day
thank god i was able to be in the company of amazing friends...because it helped to feel them with metonight....it gave me a break from the hell today was....T and E...thank you
I don't get it, I don't get you and I don't get why my brain was created to kick me into the ground over and over..God, this one's for you..
I just watched Once...It has been such a long time since I have been touched like that by a movie....it was just absolutely beautiful...I cried...A LOT..and i'm still a tad speachless at the moment.....beautiful doesn't do it justice.....Thank you T for lending me that.....I still can't believe how deeply it touched me and in so many ways
the guidelines of this song....for once in my life i feel worth something....and i know that i have friends that truely believe in me.....i have never been able to look in the mirror without telling myself i was worthless...that there had to be more...and everyday i'm now discovering something new around every corner..i thought i knew myself in the past and i couldn't have been more wrong...i'm awakening in every aspect.....for once i'm not a waste...for once i'm beautiful...for once i'm not ready to leave this place so early...for once...i'm finally looking ahead to a glorious future.....we all fall sometimes....but i have a renewed strength to keep moving.....time will heal....this song is also being posted for T and E and all those friends that have made such a difference in my life....and to Matt and Justin....thank you....I almost completely went crazy after you guys died....but in a sense you allowed me to hit bottom...to not know anything besides the pain and sorrow inside my heart..so I could know the purity of being reborn....and to never ignore my heart..and now i realize that with you guys near me in spirit i am stronger than ever before...
"That's what the Wise Lady Said" by Angtoria
I wish you could be
All you ever dreamed
Move on, no regrets
Try to be the absolute best
Stand on your own
You can make it, be someone
Win the war in your head
Thats what the wise lady said!
There'll be times, when you cant face
The weary lights of day
But be strong & believe
You can be anything you wish to be
Don´t let your fears, hold you back
Life isn´t meant, to be easy
Find justice for what you lack
Time will heal the scar
Be proud of who you are
Taste the phantasies that you dread
Thats what the wise lady said!
I came from nothing here I am
I won the war in my head!
i don't understand...how there can still be such a deep pit of almost utter despair in my soul.....i try to ignore it when it pops back up, i try to just shut it off but it just wont sometimes....i had a good time tonight....and i know what spurned this emotional state off.....but i hate this thing inside me that is like a seperate me....and it grates so heavily against me.....so abrassive....and it zaps all the energy from me to try and keep it under wraps. I want to have a good long talk with T to get some perspective on things....that usually always helps...ad i'm hoping that i can get some sleep tonight without angry brain attacking again....it came out of NOWHERE on the way home....gah...could also be because i need sleep....time to make the attempt....this piece of me, while i can't deny it's presence in my life for soooooooooooooooooooooo many years, needs to shut off and leave me alone....because it just does....more tomorrow...hopefully sleep will come soon...and to my beautiful friends may the sweetest dreams come to you....
....I am not giving in and I am never giving up.....on any aspect of my life....ever...i know now that I am worth so much more.....BED TIIIIIIIIIME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :o)
there are no words t describe the feeling i'm experiencing....i have never been so satisfied and greatful with who i am and where i am in life until this point....and it took friends finding friends to wake me the fuck up out of this hibernation i've been in for too many years....and i could never be more greatful....tonight was ridiculous....and amazing...and "cheesey"....and i need to go to bed...blog tomorrow, savor the moment...and even if i had a few cigarettes i don't feel guilty in that i know that i won't desire them tomorrow.....and that is an amazing thing all in itself...the moon was so briliant tonight....have you ever been taken back by a live image???i was in sensory overload on the way home....the warmth outside....the music i was balrring and singing to...and the outside imagewith the white chocolate moon hanging in a foggy yet clear sky.....almost reduced me to tears....for as much as i am a child of the light.....it really is the moonlight that guides me....it represents the duality of life...in that there are such dark horizons present yet there is always that one brilliant and miraculous light in the ark to lead you back home....a darklight....it is how i ground...because one can not be anything but grounded when looking up at a scene of beauty in the night sky....to observe from a distance brings it closer to the heart...to fly up and touch it take the wonder away....so to stay earthbound; touching it with only the mind and imagination can make one soar above and remain firmly planted to this world while all the energy of the universe courses through their veins at the same time.....all you need is to stretch your conciousness from ground to sky...and you will see what i mean...sleep time is beckoning...more tomorrow..goodnight to t,e, and c...you guys have found things in me and brought them out; things i htought were long lost....i love you guys.....may the sweetest dreams come to you
so here is a secret that only a few people know about me...two people that i am highly influenced by are Madonna and Britney...because the amount those two have faced, overcome, accomplished, their beauty, overt amount of sexuality but creative at the same time..the fact that both of them show multiple forms of themselves from sunsuality to inner speulative and contemplative creativity....but one thing always stuck out from the start with them...they have never denied who they are and are true to themselves...and i think they should be respected...
I ABSOLUTELY ADORE the fact that my father is listening to Britney Spears....he does that from time to time.....it makes me giggle
I worked for a local pizza joint in town. I was paid 6.50 an hour under the table and despite being 16 was still expected to operate the ovens and the meat slicers (which by law you need to be 18), I cooked, cleaned, made pizza dough, salads, pasta...all in a very small kitchen with a big work crew and very nazi like bosses...bad experience...I lasted only about a year and got fed up with all the stupid bullshit...They didn't pay me enough for it.
here's some food for thought...i've always considered my mating habits to be somewhat vampiric...i was just watching things from queen of the damned...and holy hotness batman..I don't exactly know what it is...but vampires are yum...thought i'd divulge...HHHHHA!.
it's good to be alive again...I was sooooo dead....for the passed few years of my life...just going through the motions...school...gym...work....drink....school...work...gym...i was getting so good at being able to fake a smile that i was frightening myself.....It started back in sophomore year at school...I was in a show with the theater department.....With only a few weeks until the show i was taking a shower one day and noticed a large bulge sticking out from my abdominal muscle....it was exactly what i thought it was...an inguinal hernia....i knew i had to get surgery and there would be a long recovery time because abdominal things take a while to heal because you use your abs to do like everything...the doctor wanted to perform the surgery that weekend before it got any bigger....i told him it had to wait until the end of the show...now it may have been about 3 weeks until show time but the show itself was going to run for 3 weekends...that was about 6 weeks i would have to wait to get the surgery..you do what you have to do..
a couple weeks later I got a call from my friend Ashley...the same Ashley that years later had to call me about Justin...Ashley was hysterical....i didn't know what was wrong....She informed me that our friend; her best friend in the whole world, Chris, had hung himself....he was only 17 at the time...just coming out to people...just becoming more secure with himself and his sexuality....there was no sign of depression, trouble, anxiety...nothing...no warning signs with this one AT ALL...I was shocked..I wanted to be home with friends..to comfort them...to be there....it was tech week for the show...i couldn't go home...i had 6 hour rehearsals every day and 12 hour rehearsals on the weekend...which meant i couldn't go to the wake...the funeral....i couldn't go home to where i needed to be...the bitch of a director didn't have any compassion, no empathy...nothing...she said if i went home i wasn't in the show and that she was going to blacklist me in the theater department....so i stayed... i didn't go home and it haunted me for a long time...i still visit his grave....from time to time..
a week after (thanksgiving break) I had the hernia surgery...it was so horrible...i wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy....i had pain in parts of me that no man should ever feel pain if you know what i mean...i couldn't sleep, stand up, lay down, stretch out..the swelling was horrid...and it just hurt SO much...and I can take a lot of pain...it took me 3 weeks to be able to move around without a hobble...and a full year to recover fully...
Within a few months of being able to move pretty normally from the hernia surgery i got an insane bout of pain one night that spread through my lower abdomen....this fiery, stabby, horrid pain that grew to a peak over about an hour..it just got worse and worse and i was sweating and tranced out to remove myself from the situation...i had no idea what the HELL it was...but it hurt....the next day It happened again...in the middle of class...i keeled over....and had to go to health services...they said it was an adhesion from the hernia surgery...but i somehow knew that wasn't the case because of the nature of the pain...they sent me to the hospital where i waited for 4 hours for them to tell me to come back if the pain or a fever sprang up....the next day was a big day...it was the ceremony for the new university president to be sworn in and our choir and chamber choir group were performing a huge thing for it...the concert choir did Carmina Burana with the big "O Fortuna" first movement....and all of the sudden i got chills....fever chills...and felt really really weak..at the snap of finger...it was there...I got back from the ceremony and was running a fever of 101.0...but I still had a big opera gala to sing in that night again as more of the festivities for the inauguration of our school president...so i went and sang...and had to walk off stage as my health deteriorated later in the evening...i went out after and everyone was coming up to me..people i didn't even know and were asking me if i was alright because i was white as a sheet...no color at all....and the pains hit me again....i refused to go home and just wanted to sleep it off in my dorm at school....and the next day i arranged for my sister to come pick me up because i wandered around the previous night in a disillusioned fever induced trance state and had no idea of anything i was doing....i was literally go in nuts from the intensity of the fever...which i ht ought was maybe only 102 by then....I got home and the pains in my stomach returned and ifinally took my temperature....and it read 105.2....i almost freaked out because i know it can cause brain damage and organ failure when your fever is that high....i was rushed to the emergency room....scared....with no idea of what could be wrong with me....it took 3 hours to get in to see the ER doctor...about 3 in the morning....my parents came in with me...they had me drink the chalky crap to do thex-ray and i also had an MRI because they couldn't figure it out either....i was in and out of consciousness when the doctor came in and woke all of us up...and said "well it's a good time you came when you did because if you let it go any longer you would have been in trouble" he went to explain that they found a massive infection in my intestinal tract...and it was causing me to go into septic shock..in other wards the infection had my fever up to 105 and all the poisons from the infection were leaking into my system and poisoning me...he told me if i waited til the next morning i could have been unconscious or dead...they admitted me to a room and told me that infections of that magnitude were most commonly found in people with crohn's disease and that they would run tests because the only way to find out a person has that disease is to catch it when it is active...it's very tricky to accurately diagnose...they put me on heavy heavy IV antibiotics, pain killers, and tylenol to break the fever...my parents went home...i was in a corner room on the top floor with no one around me...i was isolated...alone..scared...i knew i could have a disease that was serious and not cure able....i barely slept that night..dillusional...depressed...lonely....i cried many times..the next day brought visitors...my family...a few friends...we had a fire alarm go of fin the hospital...instead of evacuating they just come and lock people behind the doors...that felt real safe....i was put on a liquid diet for 7 days...chicken broth and non-red jello....and they gave me vitamins and nutrients through IV fluids...my parents stayed with me until that night and eventually left...my mother bought me a stuffed monkey...it was so soft...and it made me feel beater...and they left...and hte night crew came on which was half the staff..still no one in my wing..no other patients or signs of life...i was sinking...scared...so isolated...i just held onto the monkey and hugged it and cried and told myself things would get better...i just needed any type of embrace at that point with anything hat could bring me comfort...they had me in a few more days and finally the day came for the colonoscopy...the night before consisted of me drinking a gallon of laxative.....literally....over 4 hours i had to drink it....gross...i went in for the procedure..my mother with me the whole way (except in the procedure...weird) and they put me out with the drugs...well they didn't give me enough...and I woke up in the middle of it....fully alert because i can remember it clearly...it hurt SO bad...they told me to watch the monitor and that it would all be over soon (as they yelled to sedate me)i remember waking up with this horrid pain in my stomach....it was jsut...bad....i went to yell or scream or anythign to let them know i was awake and to put me back out...but all that would comeout was a quiet moan....ever have sleep paralysis??it was so much worse than that....i was so aware of what i wanted to do but my body wouldn't respond...i was trapped in my head...traumatizing...
well i had crohn's disease...they were able to catch it quite active....when i left the hospital i was down to 120 pounds...at 6 feet tall...people accused me everywhere of having an eating disorder....it sucked..i knew i had been losing weight before this whole ordeal but i was also trying to lose weight...i was 215 pounds....basically the infection and the crohns caused my intestinal tract to go into shock...so i was eating...but my body was not gaining anything from it...i wasn't absorbing anything from the food...so i was starving to death...I was put on a strict diet for a while....and finally gained back some of the weight to a healthy level...but keeping it on is another story...
the next year came...i wanted it to be better...it was interesting..me and derek were broke up but living together...fighting constantly...he threw a table at me once...and went absolutely crazy..that too was a different time for him...he's so much better now..this is the year I met Matt...oh Matt...he would always smile at me whenever I saw him and we finally started talking and hanging out and going to the gym but the summer soon came and we lost touch for a while until we came back the next year..and I found out he was dating my good Friend, Nick..i talked to him a lot on AIM but started seeing him in person less and less..the next year as well...it was my 4th year..i knew i had 5 ahead of me...so i just tried to get through it...I was feeling very stagnant..i had new roommates which was nice because me and Derek needed a break....Me and Matt again lost touch for a little while because he moved back home to be with his family..after a failed suicide attempt earlier that year which i found out later...he made many attempts in his life...so eager to end his life when he was so SO full of living energy...healing energy...kindness..love...it poured out of him....the only other people i really could say radiate light like that are T and E and my friends Sarah and Caroline...and S...I had a rough day one day and was having dreams and premonitions again of being at a funeral..as i usually get when someone around me dies or is going to die....i hate it...it freaks me the hell out...but it has happened with everybody so far....and i never know who is going to die until it happens...i just get the warning in a general sense...but one day felt really off...i was depressed like crazy...and felt nuts...i went to do some composition homework in derek's room because i needed help...and he had such a long face....i asked what was wrong and he told me "I feel so bad...did you hear what happened to that kid??" "You know, what happened ot Nicks boyfriend??" My heart sank..not sank....passed out...stopped beating for a minute...."what happened....WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!" and derek said "He killed himself...i feel so bad for nick..." (Derek had no idea i was friends with Matt...he had no idea i had feelings for Matt...i kept him in the dark on purpose) my heart broke...i can recall the feeling so perfectly...like it just stopped beating and broke in pieces.... i fell to my knees...i had no words...no expression...i was numb...filled with guilt..pain...remorse....i could feel the energy missing in the immediate existence....i couldn't cry...i couldn't speak...i couldn't form words...i walked quietly out to the keyboard....derek followed me in silence....and i sat down...and this song...just came through me...i just played this song....so sad...it was pure emotion....and with the trailing end of it...i cried...and derek held me...and i cried more and more...i cried all night...and the next day...i went to the memorial...the wake...the funeral....i started to become dead inside..i couldn't feel anymore..so much over the past 3 years...so much to deal with..traumatic event after traumatic event....my brain and my heart had enough..i was shutting down...i couldn't write music anymore....i was emotionally dead....and with this I will take an intermission in my story and pick up later...this is not being written as a "Whoa is me" thing...I just want people to see what I actually have been through...not many people really know....and now maybe it can bring light into why i'm SO appreciative about things as of late...because this is in part what i have been going through the past few years....more later
Saturday came quite fast and I knew that it would be an equally difficult day. Justin passed away a year ago from diabetic shock...that is all i know...i never really found out what was behind it...I broke up with a certain someone i was seeing after Matt died to get my head straight...because i really ha feelings for Matt and that brought so many questions into my head as to my current relationship which i was having doubts with already...about 5 months after me and said relationship person tried again and it just wasn't workign so we quickly took a break again...which is when me and justin really started talking more and more...he was young...younger than i usually date...he was only 18, soon to be 19 but was still only in his senior year of high school...we dated a bit and i was starting to move on from Matt's death...then we lost touch for about 2 or 3 weeks because i got busy and so did he...and i told him that i couldn't date anymore until i finalized the breakup with other said relationship person..and so i did that....the day before the one year anniversary of matt's death...then that day came and it was really really rough...on all of us...we had a big celebration and partied like matt used to party...i didn't get back to my dorm until 6:30 in the morning...there were heart to hearts...shared memories, great laughs...and large amounts of tears...i was recovering the next day and was about to send Justin a message asking him out on another date and I got the call from home....I was sitting in a concert in Ives Hall at school with my friend Sarah..I noticed that my friend Ashley has called me constantly and I went out to call her at intermission and she delivered the blow...Justin...was found by his roomate....he passed away in his sleep....there was no closur...i hadn't talked to him in a few weeks...my mind went racing....i fell to y knees as the breath was cut out of me along with my heart still trying to mend itself from matt....i ran upstairs and grabbed my bag and couldn't hold it together....sarah left with me and stayed with me all night.......No one knew besides a few friends back home...my family..my sister...had no idea because i kept it secret i was dating someone that much younger than me...two days later i went to the wake...ashley and lynda and liz were there by my side to hold me up because i was still in shock of the unexpectedness....we walked in the funeral home...and it was open casket...again...taken by surprise....matt's was closed...they didn't want his friends and family seeing him like that..they wanted them to keep him in their memory alive and well....but justin's was open....i kneeled in front f the casket..tears blurring my eyes as i took in every inch of him so as not to ever forget him and i went to greet the faily....his father...his step-mother...(his biological mother passed away some few years ago) and i couldn't help but think...his father lost his wife and now his son...his sister lost her mother and now her brother....and his sister...i realized that i knew her...we went to high school together and knew eachother quite well..and i don't know how i never put the two together....we hugged for so long...i talked to a few people and then went back to school to sleep through the rest of the day...then the next day was the funeral....again there were so many people there...teachers...students..friends..family...people who knew him through theater and the community...it was undoubtedly one of the saddest funerals i've been too...you could hear his coworkers and friends just sobbing....the we processed to the cemetery for the last rights and the burial....i'll nver forget the scene...so many young people standing with such grief on their faces...all holding a single flower in their hands...leaning on each other for support...and suddenly a voice broke through...this girl....this amazingly gifted girl (by the way he went to an arts magnet school)spoke up in song...amazing grace....and others followed suit...harmonizing with her...it was so absolutely beautiful....i stayed behind for a while and said my goodbyes..and laid my flower on his casket...and went back to school...
this year was heavy but lighter than last year...i've had this giant thrust foward in my life recently and even though it still hurts out of missing him and matt alike i feel i have finally let go...I talked ot my asst manager at work and he let me out 2 hours early from work to get to the cemetery before it got dark....when i drove up and walked to his grave i could not believe the amount of decorations and tigns his friends had brought...there were balloons...a big poster with pictures of him...bracelets, flowers, pins, letters..there were rose petals laid all over the ground...what an amazing tribute..they took his life and celebrated it at his final resting place....i stayed for a while and had a chat...telling him that i was ok now and that i was moving on from everything and that he would never be forgeotten but i had to get on with my life...tears were shed on the ride home as well as when i got home and my mother gave me a big hug...i went out with certain friends to drink and celebrate his life and our memories with him...amazing how a person could leave such a huge impact in such a short time of knowing them...but i can feel both him and matt watching over me...i feel their energy from time to time..especially when i'm having a hard night...and even though i miss them greatly i know they are still with me...Rest peacfully Justin...i'll always remember you and what you gave me..Thank you for everything..
After Justin's funeral i returned to school...now, in my life, i always look for the small things, the small messages hidden all around...and i believe completely that this was no coincidence...I returned back to school..no one was in the room...i went to my bedroom and fell asleep..eventually...and all of the sudden i woke up out of a deep sleep to find this exact part of across the universe playing on the tv...my roomate must have come back and flipped on the movie channel and left the room...i had never seen the movie prior to this....and i was just in tears...it felt as if i was woken up to see that...to let me know that things would be ok...to just let things be...and the answers will present themselves...it was almost mind boggling
this is a memorial video that someone put togehter after his passing...and i didn't notice it until it was brought to my attention...but the friend that made this attatched my message i left amongst the hundreds and hundreds of messages on his wall on facebook..
my shirt in the last post is a poem i wrote for Matt for the 2007 out of the darkness overnight walk for suicide prevention and mental health awareness...it reads:
"Thank you
for letting
a friendship
blossom
for always being there
may you forever
rest in peace."
---did you take notice of the bold letters running vertical??
Friday started off as normal...as normal as it could, i already felt a certain heaviness on my heart since hte previous night but not as bad as last year and i have certain people to thank for picking me back up. Anyway, I went to class after getting about 3.5 hours of sleep and was still a bit tipsy and then decided to meet my friend Katie for 2:00 to pick up a floral arrangement she bought for Matt's family. We met and I couldn't help notice once again how similar the weather was to my mood...warm enough to still feel even with a slight chill on the air...and cloudy...with periods of rain or drizzle...Me and Katie picked up the flowers and she contcted Matt's aunt to ask her where we should bring them. Katie said me nad her were on the way to the cemetery to visit his grave and meet our friend Timmy..She decided to meet us ther as well....
We stepped out when we got there and slowly walked over to his grave..It was Katie's first time since Matt's death to visit the cemetery..We walked over, tears welled up a bit in our eyes and a calm silence just fell over us...There was no need to talk, we knew what we were both feeling and what we were both thinking..It was a windy day and decorations started to blow around so I fixed them and cleaned up the grave a bit and fixed the flowers..And then his aunt Maureen sohwed up...tears in her eyes...soft spoken but had such an inner strangth...you could feel it from this woman...it seems to run in that family...she gave me a warm hug, i had aways seen her but never actaully met her before..very sweet...blonde...pretty.....we asked about his mother and father...his father had it together...but his mom, i was sad to hear, was really about to fall apart this year...Now his mother...his mother is one of the strongest people i've met and one of the absolute sweetest as well...that woman has so much incredble love in her that she gives by just standing there...The first time I met her was at Matt's wake....she had tears down her face...shorter than me...dark hair...chocolate brown eyes..looked so much like him...so much...the face, the nose...the eyes...i introduced myself and she started crying again with a "oh hun...i can't imagine how this must be on his friends...how are you holding up?"...she hugged me so tightly and so warmly that i lost it once again...but i mean come on...it was her son...she found him hanging there lifeless...and she's that concerned over how his friends were taking it...i hugged her again before i left that day...The funeral came...it was a warm day, started off cloudy and rainy...very windy...again very in tune with mood...the curch was packed..completely packed....they started late..they had to bring a monitor downstairs because they had an overflow and had to file a huge crowd into the church hall downstairs...i was so speachless at how many people showed up...at how many lives this incredible boy touched...if only he could have seen that in himself...before the decision was made...such an incredible life lost from this world so short and so tragic....it was undoubtedly the saddest and most beautiful service i've ever been to...between the amaing flowers and decorations in the church to the speakers..friends..family...the memmorials they gave for him...i'll never ever forget the end of the service....they caem up to get the casket...and the pianist hit a couple chords....i was almost knocked to my knees...not out of saddness but out of astonishment and out of the fact that the choir was actaully doing seasons of love..from rent...in a church...at his funeral...the closest song that could mirror his life and our lives wit him even if such a short while...what a rememberance...so beautiful..today i still can't talk about it without being completely taken back by the beauty of all of it...and just as the piano struck the clouds broke outside and light flooded in through the windows....i got in my car and cried nad cried until i couldn't anymore and met some friends for lunch to reflect on a beautiful life....Anyway back to the original story.
His aunt maureen told us that his mother was not doing well this year...one of her other sons was away in australia on an exchange program with school...and it was really hard for her on that day to not have two of her boys around...she loves her boys so much.....a piece of my heart will always try to stay and watch over her...i can't imgine the pain she must feel.... then his aunt went on to share some stories and we all shared stories and tears and it was a great memmorial for the day...me and Katie went to lunch after and I actaully went to work after that despite being so exhausted o could barely move.....
All in all it was a needed day...uncomfortable at times but needed.....This day amde me reflect and really appreciate the friends that i have in my life...and all they've gone through...and al lthey've been through with me....how they've helped me...how they inspire me to my core....how they are my family until the end...and the amount of love i feel from them....It made me realize that i really may not be as alone as i've felt I am in the past....I sent some thank you messages via facebook or text message...i had the discussion and thanked t on hookah night......I'm not ure how E really took the message i sent him because i don't think he is quite used to my level of sincerity when i'm truely appreciative of something or someone lol...i'll just talk to him...his message back seemed a tad...."this came out of left field..what do i say??" when really none of you have to say anything...just htnak you guys....i love you all...you know who you are...And Matt....Matty...I miss you and always will but i'm moving on from this..the only way out is through...and i know now that moving on doesn't mean forgetting or burrying...it means accepting what happened even closer and knowing that you never really left...that you will always be in my heart and in my memories...thank you again for always being an amazing friend and person to everyone..and seeing the good in everything around you....you inspired me...made me strive to live as accepting and loving as i can...Rest Peacfully my friend...until we meet again
