falling

.....Once again I found myself falling asleep in your arms last night and I know that I'm really falling for you...I knew right away but more so when I caught myself smiling randomly..I can feel it with each gentle, passionate kiss and every time you take my hand in yours...The way my heart races when you are near me...and I realize that when with you nothing else matters and this nightmare I've been living seems to slowly fade away..and this morning...what can I say about this morning...The beautiful scene of a morning twilight casting the room in blue and just you in silohouette...I just laid there awake, observing, taking in every detail to saturate the formation of a memory to think of when skies are grey and the world seems to crumble...as the twilight gave way to the first rays of a glorious sunrise, a light spread slowly revealing your peacful, sleeping face dusted with a slight smile that warmed and calmed me...I took in every detail of your body to try and force a memory of each to form in my mind...your copper red hair....your soft skin painted in freckles....the comfort of holding you so close....I spent the night at my parents' house, away from everything, just to be in a quiet room; scared that any interaction right now with anyone would chase these memmories from my head...and this time the silence did not overwhelm...did not strike me down...did not silence me....but only paved the way to realize that a healing process is starting once again...and it's so soon...we just met..I did not anticipate this; did not expect this...but your energy feels so familiar to me...and so comforting......i can't wait and am looking forward to our next meeting...thank you for all you've done without trying....I find myself smiling more lately...It's been a while.....

this is more like it

know what?

I'm done....from today on....i'm done with feeling like this....i'm going to look up....i'm getting stuck in a hole that never ends....and i'm crawling out of it...i just re-read the past two posts i put up today and realize that they sound...ridiculous.....and completely....wrong...i see where you are coming from.....and why you kept looking at me like i have five heads...but...that's not to say i might not still need some help...i'm relying on you guys......but i'm climbing out of this starting today.....brighter skies will inhabit my head and beauty is going to shine in my life again...because i won't give in...i'm a fighter and a survivor....and if anything you guys taught me more about my own strength than ever before....i'm cleansing my energy becasue the energy in my room feels HORRID from all the negativity flowing out of me lately...and i'm going to be more posative about everything..and try to accept the things at the moment that i have no control over...because we all know the capricorns need to have control.....i love you guys more than anything...and always will....

this explains it

there is a game I play
try to make myself okay
try so hard to make the pieces all fit
smash it apart
just for the fuck of it

bye bye oooh
got to get back to the bottom
bye bye oooh
the big come down isn't that what you wanted?
bye bye oooh
find a place with the failed and forgotten
bye bye oooh
isn't that really what you wanted now?

there is no place I can go there is no way I can hide
it feels like it keeps coming from the inside

there is a hate that burns within
the most desperate place I have ever been
try to get back to where I'm from
the closer I get the worse it becomes
the closer I get the worse it becomes

there is no place I can go there is no place I can hide
is feels like I keeps coming from the inside

correction to the post below this

i don't want that to sound harsher than it is...you are still here for me in ways...and i am thankful for that....it's just that there has been a massive change...and i am trying my hardest to find what happened, what brought it about....why...it happened.....that's my biggest problem right now....i'm confused...and part of my soul is in a rage...and that is the part i'm trying to keep under wraps....and it is also the part that is lieing to me...convincing me of horrible things...that aren't really actaully happening so to say.....once i can calm and quiet him down then i'm sure things will be quite alright...bare with me.....just bare with me....these past messages seem harsh.....but this is my venting ground...as you can see i'm reasoning things out as i type along....and i'm already getting calmer.....gah.....i'm not usually this crazy....i've just had a lot pent up in my mind for a long time...feelings i've tried to hide or deny.....it catches up sooner or later...and attacks the shit out of you before you can really notice what is happening......I'm ashamed and always have been...of this part of me....the saddness...the depression....it makes me look weak...pathetic...unatractive....i only hope you can see through to the heart of me...and realize that nothing has really changed...and that i'm still here...i'm just trying to deal with my head right now....i get so embarassed that anyone has to see me like this....that is why i've always kept people at a certain distance....i'm scared to show them this....scared that this is the reason why i'll continue to be rejected....and that is my biggest fear right now...you'll see this...and go running........and that's why i feel extra crazy.....ok....reasoning out...that does feel better...

the path less taken

i've always traversed and stuMbled upon the roads and paths less taken...and not always by choice. I find myself here, cold, alone..feeling abandonned, rejected, as i always am in the end..and i never know how i get here...and honestly don't know how much more i can meander down these paths...I'm a gentle soul...and the only thing i ever want out of life...is to love...and be loved in return...but when everything forces you out of that you start to believe that for some reason you are unloveable...maybe that sounds radical or completely insane....but i don't know what to think anymore...so much is going unsaid...i'm so confused.....and this is not me...this is not who i was on the path to be...and i can't fucking break free of it...i sink night after night farther and farther hoping someone...anyone...especially you...would notice...and say hey...maybe he does need me right now...but i can't expect that...it's not fair to you...i need to suck it up and deal with these demons on my own...because i'm fabricating things in my head....and believein my self-made delusions of desertion....when really...things are probably just at a rough spot....and will smooth out eventually...what i need...is to trust my dreams....that i still have...you know...about all of us...walking arm in arm down a road...watching as the world comes to an end...through storm and destruction....we will still be left...standing strong.....don't you guys miss those days...when we were a group....a single unit....the strength we had...the bond we had.....where exactly did that go???i miss that....

song of now