your own way

you told me in your own way that i'm different from the others.....that you trust me...that you find me comfortable to be around....you told me in your own way you werent ready for a relationship because the last guy broke your heart and betrayed your trust....you then told me in your own way that you wanted me....and that you are putting your heart on the line again when you normally wouldnt becasue you trust me.....i told you in my own way that i would never even dream of hurting you.....i told you in my own way that i trust you and that your heart is safe with mine....and then you uttered those words that made me legs weak...."does this mean that you're my boyfriend now....my baby?".....i answered "I hope so because that would make me the happiest person in the world..."....------it was sealed with a tear of relief and a kiss...and followed by gazing in each other's eyes and then holding eachother until we fell asleep.....happy new year, baby....you gave me the best new years i've ever had....i feel like the luckiest person alive...

you

when you showed up to my birthday the other night.....my face hurt from smiling....i cant believe how much you make me smile.....i've been holding back a bit...forcing myself to take things slow and not to dive in like i want to so badly.....waking up next to you in my arms...in my own bed...staying with you on the eve of my birth....was the best preasant...icould have wished for.......the one thing i thought i wouldnt have again on another birthday....but my wish came true......laying with you after all the craziness of the night....your beautiful leaopard print freckled skin...the intense coppe hai.....and your eyes...i've never seen anything like them.....ocher...to orange...to green.....they seem different everytime i look at them....and on the ride home....you held my hand....and kissed it....and i just looked out my window...and cried...because at that moment i felt complete...everything i wanted happened that night.....it all came true....i havent cried from happiness for a very very long time......i'm falling for you...there's no doubt about it.......................

11 days

this marks 11 days straight that i've been drinking at night to fall asleep.....because i can't deal anymore....i'm drinking just to numb myself and displace myself from my actual life...because the truth is clear....it seems that no matter how much i die each day...i die more the next...and no one gives a fucking shit....my birthday is coming up....and i'm dreading it....i doubt that any of the plans and ideas thought up through the year about this geat birthday that was supposed to be thrown for me will actually be carried out...again i'm forgotten..i've never had anyone plan a great birthday for me....i've never had a party with friends....every time i've fallen in love my heart has been trashed and thrown away....no one has ever bought me flowers...or nice things....i've never had anyone do something specifically special just for me...what is so wrong with me???for once...i just want one thing...that can remind me of how beautiful the world can still be....because lately...i feel nothing....and it's not because i'm crazy....i'm really not...i just have a really sensative heart...that has been broken constantly....over..and over...and over.....and i'm just so sad...maybe dereks dream was right.......i wish......i just need to know.......that someone cares......

.....i don't need you to run away.......what i need is for you to hold me...and tell me it will be ok......

does anyone know how hard this is for me?

....When someone you are absolutely in love with dies...absolutely in love with....you don't get over it over night...you just don't...especially when it is a suicide....i forever changed that day in february almost 3 years ago...i have such a weight i carry with me everywhere...a melancholy that seems to surround me.....part of my heart was torn out...and died with him....i feel like it was yesterday...while i can look back with a tearful smile on him now...something i couldn't before....i still think about him all the time...because i'm still in love with him...and he's dead....for all of you who just say i need to get over it and move on, that he's gone and never coming back, i have words for you...i appreciate you trying to help...but you don't exactly move on from something like this..you deal..and in time..long amounts of time you get used to it being there....i'm as confused as ever...and the guilt i feel i carry around day in and day out...is suffocating...guilt that if i were the one with him i could have stopped it...i could have helped him...or at least died with him...so even in death he wouldn't have to be alone...if i were online early that night or had my phone on i could have talked to him and detered him from doing it...but i was too wrapped up in school work and rehersals to pay attention to any of that..and no one was there....he gave no warning....you don't get over something like this easily....i'm moving slowly forward....taking baby steps....but i need someone right now....i can't take the nights alone anymore...i can't do it...i ahve night terrors...and nightmares...and wake up in nothingness....this has afflicted me with a saddness that i know will never go away or fade....but become part of me....i'm still in love with you...and you're dead...i'm sorry...i'm so sorry....that i never told you that while you were alive....i'm sorry i couldn't save you....i'm sorry i couldn't have swapped places...because your light had shown so much brighter in people's lives than mine....i miss you...and these months are always so hard for me...........

worries

you said we needed to get together to talk soon about things....and that was 3 days ago...i can't be left in this state of wondering because my thoughts go awry....part of me wants to believe that it's just to talk and maybe officially be together...the other huge part of me is preparring to brace for yet another rejection...this is why i don't date...this is why i don't search for people unless i stumble upon them...because i can't take the rejection anymore...what could possibly be so wrong with me....that no one wants me....and this is what i mean...you all say stop dwelling on the negative....but i have no choice....because if my heart breaks again it will be the last....i honestly don't know if i can handle it...and i'm serious this time....every time i say "you know what i'm going to follow everyones' advice and be posative" it always goes south...the world knocks me off my feet so fast that my head is left dazed and confused....i'm worried....some of you don't know what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat from a night terror and have no one there...wake up to emptiness...silence...all that is there is the darkness in the room, the ringing in your ears...the silence of your heart...as you realize you really are alone....some of you don't know what it is like to lay awake for hours with a blank stare on your face and tears spilling the real emotion of your soul down the side of your face as you wish that you had someone to share this journey with that was in it for you....the minutes pass on and on and they feel like years....all you can do is think back to the last person you really truely loved in effort to bring some sort of peace and happiness to your mind...but realize that that last person is 6 feet in the ground..your mind wanders....the world caves in, slowly...so slow that is squeezes and squeezes the life out of you instead of one all together crushing blow......some of you look this side of me as something i can just turn off or instantly change....well it isn't because i would have done that years ago...even when i'm happy...it is still there gnawing at the back of my brain, waiting to strike at any given time.....emotional asphyxiation...i can't help being an emotional being...it fuels my meaning for life...and it fuels my music and everything around it...but the dark side of it is a force to be wreckoned with...and it scares some people...when deep down the reason for it all is that i just can't take being alone anymore...i can't do it...and if he crushes me again tomorrow....then be prepared for my darkness to really show...i'm worried.....

falling

.....Once again I found myself falling asleep in your arms last night and I know that I'm really falling for you...I knew right away but more so when I caught myself smiling randomly..I can feel it with each gentle, passionate kiss and every time you take my hand in yours...The way my heart races when you are near me...and I realize that when with you nothing else matters and this nightmare I've been living seems to slowly fade away..and this morning...what can I say about this morning...The beautiful scene of a morning twilight casting the room in blue and just you in silohouette...I just laid there awake, observing, taking in every detail to saturate the formation of a memory to think of when skies are grey and the world seems to crumble...as the twilight gave way to the first rays of a glorious sunrise, a light spread slowly revealing your peacful, sleeping face dusted with a slight smile that warmed and calmed me...I took in every detail of your body to try and force a memory of each to form in my mind...your copper red hair....your soft skin painted in freckles....the comfort of holding you so close....I spent the night at my parents' house, away from everything, just to be in a quiet room; scared that any interaction right now with anyone would chase these memmories from my head...and this time the silence did not overwhelm...did not strike me down...did not silence me....but only paved the way to realize that a healing process is starting once again...and it's so soon...we just met..I did not anticipate this; did not expect this...but your energy feels so familiar to me...and so comforting......i can't wait and am looking forward to our next meeting...thank you for all you've done without trying....I find myself smiling more lately...It's been a while.....

this is more like it