you

when you showed up to my birthday the other night.....my face hurt from smiling....i cant believe how much you make me smile.....i've been holding back a bit...forcing myself to take things slow and not to dive in like i want to so badly.....waking up next to you in my arms...in my own bed...staying with you on the eve of my birth....was the best preasant...icould have wished for.......the one thing i thought i wouldnt have again on another birthday....but my wish came true......laying with you after all the craziness of the night....your beautiful leaopard print freckled skin...the intense coppe hai.....and your eyes...i've never seen anything like them.....ocher...to orange...to green.....they seem different everytime i look at them....and on the ride home....you held my hand....and kissed it....and i just looked out my window...and cried...because at that moment i felt complete...everything i wanted happened that night.....it all came true....i havent cried from happiness for a very very long time......i'm falling for you...there's no doubt about it.......................

11 days

this marks 11 days straight that i've been drinking at night to fall asleep.....because i can't deal anymore....i'm drinking just to numb myself and displace myself from my actual life...because the truth is clear....it seems that no matter how much i die each day...i die more the next...and no one gives a fucking shit....my birthday is coming up....and i'm dreading it....i doubt that any of the plans and ideas thought up through the year about this geat birthday that was supposed to be thrown for me will actually be carried out...again i'm forgotten..i've never had anyone plan a great birthday for me....i've never had a party with friends....every time i've fallen in love my heart has been trashed and thrown away....no one has ever bought me flowers...or nice things....i've never had anyone do something specifically special just for me...what is so wrong with me???for once...i just want one thing...that can remind me of how beautiful the world can still be....because lately...i feel nothing....and it's not because i'm crazy....i'm really not...i just have a really sensative heart...that has been broken constantly....over..and over...and over.....and i'm just so sad...maybe dereks dream was right.......i wish......i just need to know.......that someone cares......

.....i don't need you to run away.......what i need is for you to hold me...and tell me it will be ok......

does anyone know how hard this is for me?

....When someone you are absolutely in love with dies...absolutely in love with....you don't get over it over night...you just don't...especially when it is a suicide....i forever changed that day in february almost 3 years ago...i have such a weight i carry with me everywhere...a melancholy that seems to surround me.....part of my heart was torn out...and died with him....i feel like it was yesterday...while i can look back with a tearful smile on him now...something i couldn't before....i still think about him all the time...because i'm still in love with him...and he's dead....for all of you who just say i need to get over it and move on, that he's gone and never coming back, i have words for you...i appreciate you trying to help...but you don't exactly move on from something like this..you deal..and in time..long amounts of time you get used to it being there....i'm as confused as ever...and the guilt i feel i carry around day in and day out...is suffocating...guilt that if i were the one with him i could have stopped it...i could have helped him...or at least died with him...so even in death he wouldn't have to be alone...if i were online early that night or had my phone on i could have talked to him and detered him from doing it...but i was too wrapped up in school work and rehersals to pay attention to any of that..and no one was there....he gave no warning....you don't get over something like this easily....i'm moving slowly forward....taking baby steps....but i need someone right now....i can't take the nights alone anymore...i can't do it...i ahve night terrors...and nightmares...and wake up in nothingness....this has afflicted me with a saddness that i know will never go away or fade....but become part of me....i'm still in love with you...and you're dead...i'm sorry...i'm so sorry....that i never told you that while you were alive....i'm sorry i couldn't save you....i'm sorry i couldn't have swapped places...because your light had shown so much brighter in people's lives than mine....i miss you...and these months are always so hard for me...........

worries

you said we needed to get together to talk soon about things....and that was 3 days ago...i can't be left in this state of wondering because my thoughts go awry....part of me wants to believe that it's just to talk and maybe officially be together...the other huge part of me is preparring to brace for yet another rejection...this is why i don't date...this is why i don't search for people unless i stumble upon them...because i can't take the rejection anymore...what could possibly be so wrong with me....that no one wants me....and this is what i mean...you all say stop dwelling on the negative....but i have no choice....because if my heart breaks again it will be the last....i honestly don't know if i can handle it...and i'm serious this time....every time i say "you know what i'm going to follow everyones' advice and be posative" it always goes south...the world knocks me off my feet so fast that my head is left dazed and confused....i'm worried....some of you don't know what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat from a night terror and have no one there...wake up to emptiness...silence...all that is there is the darkness in the room, the ringing in your ears...the silence of your heart...as you realize you really are alone....some of you don't know what it is like to lay awake for hours with a blank stare on your face and tears spilling the real emotion of your soul down the side of your face as you wish that you had someone to share this journey with that was in it for you....the minutes pass on and on and they feel like years....all you can do is think back to the last person you really truely loved in effort to bring some sort of peace and happiness to your mind...but realize that that last person is 6 feet in the ground..your mind wanders....the world caves in, slowly...so slow that is squeezes and squeezes the life out of you instead of one all together crushing blow......some of you look this side of me as something i can just turn off or instantly change....well it isn't because i would have done that years ago...even when i'm happy...it is still there gnawing at the back of my brain, waiting to strike at any given time.....emotional asphyxiation...i can't help being an emotional being...it fuels my meaning for life...and it fuels my music and everything around it...but the dark side of it is a force to be wreckoned with...and it scares some people...when deep down the reason for it all is that i just can't take being alone anymore...i can't do it...and if he crushes me again tomorrow....then be prepared for my darkness to really show...i'm worried.....

falling

.....Once again I found myself falling asleep in your arms last night and I know that I'm really falling for you...I knew right away but more so when I caught myself smiling randomly..I can feel it with each gentle, passionate kiss and every time you take my hand in yours...The way my heart races when you are near me...and I realize that when with you nothing else matters and this nightmare I've been living seems to slowly fade away..and this morning...what can I say about this morning...The beautiful scene of a morning twilight casting the room in blue and just you in silohouette...I just laid there awake, observing, taking in every detail to saturate the formation of a memory to think of when skies are grey and the world seems to crumble...as the twilight gave way to the first rays of a glorious sunrise, a light spread slowly revealing your peacful, sleeping face dusted with a slight smile that warmed and calmed me...I took in every detail of your body to try and force a memory of each to form in my mind...your copper red hair....your soft skin painted in freckles....the comfort of holding you so close....I spent the night at my parents' house, away from everything, just to be in a quiet room; scared that any interaction right now with anyone would chase these memmories from my head...and this time the silence did not overwhelm...did not strike me down...did not silence me....but only paved the way to realize that a healing process is starting once again...and it's so soon...we just met..I did not anticipate this; did not expect this...but your energy feels so familiar to me...and so comforting......i can't wait and am looking forward to our next meeting...thank you for all you've done without trying....I find myself smiling more lately...It's been a while.....

this is more like it

know what?

I'm done....from today on....i'm done with feeling like this....i'm going to look up....i'm getting stuck in a hole that never ends....and i'm crawling out of it...i just re-read the past two posts i put up today and realize that they sound...ridiculous.....and completely....wrong...i see where you are coming from.....and why you kept looking at me like i have five heads...but...that's not to say i might not still need some help...i'm relying on you guys......but i'm climbing out of this starting today.....brighter skies will inhabit my head and beauty is going to shine in my life again...because i won't give in...i'm a fighter and a survivor....and if anything you guys taught me more about my own strength than ever before....i'm cleansing my energy becasue the energy in my room feels HORRID from all the negativity flowing out of me lately...and i'm going to be more posative about everything..and try to accept the things at the moment that i have no control over...because we all know the capricorns need to have control.....i love you guys more than anything...and always will....

this explains it

there is a game I play
try to make myself okay
try so hard to make the pieces all fit
smash it apart
just for the fuck of it

bye bye oooh
got to get back to the bottom
bye bye oooh
the big come down isn't that what you wanted?
bye bye oooh
find a place with the failed and forgotten
bye bye oooh
isn't that really what you wanted now?

there is no place I can go there is no way I can hide
it feels like it keeps coming from the inside

there is a hate that burns within
the most desperate place I have ever been
try to get back to where I'm from
the closer I get the worse it becomes
the closer I get the worse it becomes

there is no place I can go there is no place I can hide
is feels like I keeps coming from the inside

correction to the post below this

i don't want that to sound harsher than it is...you are still here for me in ways...and i am thankful for that....it's just that there has been a massive change...and i am trying my hardest to find what happened, what brought it about....why...it happened.....that's my biggest problem right now....i'm confused...and part of my soul is in a rage...and that is the part i'm trying to keep under wraps....and it is also the part that is lieing to me...convincing me of horrible things...that aren't really actaully happening so to say.....once i can calm and quiet him down then i'm sure things will be quite alright...bare with me.....just bare with me....these past messages seem harsh.....but this is my venting ground...as you can see i'm reasoning things out as i type along....and i'm already getting calmer.....gah.....i'm not usually this crazy....i've just had a lot pent up in my mind for a long time...feelings i've tried to hide or deny.....it catches up sooner or later...and attacks the shit out of you before you can really notice what is happening......I'm ashamed and always have been...of this part of me....the saddness...the depression....it makes me look weak...pathetic...unatractive....i only hope you can see through to the heart of me...and realize that nothing has really changed...and that i'm still here...i'm just trying to deal with my head right now....i get so embarassed that anyone has to see me like this....that is why i've always kept people at a certain distance....i'm scared to show them this....scared that this is the reason why i'll continue to be rejected....and that is my biggest fear right now...you'll see this...and go running........and that's why i feel extra crazy.....ok....reasoning out...that does feel better...

the path less taken

i've always traversed and stuMbled upon the roads and paths less taken...and not always by choice. I find myself here, cold, alone..feeling abandonned, rejected, as i always am in the end..and i never know how i get here...and honestly don't know how much more i can meander down these paths...I'm a gentle soul...and the only thing i ever want out of life...is to love...and be loved in return...but when everything forces you out of that you start to believe that for some reason you are unloveable...maybe that sounds radical or completely insane....but i don't know what to think anymore...so much is going unsaid...i'm so confused.....and this is not me...this is not who i was on the path to be...and i can't fucking break free of it...i sink night after night farther and farther hoping someone...anyone...especially you...would notice...and say hey...maybe he does need me right now...but i can't expect that...it's not fair to you...i need to suck it up and deal with these demons on my own...because i'm fabricating things in my head....and believein my self-made delusions of desertion....when really...things are probably just at a rough spot....and will smooth out eventually...what i need...is to trust my dreams....that i still have...you know...about all of us...walking arm in arm down a road...watching as the world comes to an end...through storm and destruction....we will still be left...standing strong.....don't you guys miss those days...when we were a group....a single unit....the strength we had...the bond we had.....where exactly did that go???i miss that....

song of now

help

guys...i never ask for help....but i need it right now...im so sad....so sad.....i feel i'm losing everything....i cant live more feeling like this...i cant live anymore while i feel like this....help me...please.....i need a friend....so bad right now....i'm just hurting so much and i don't know why......i feel so broken....i need your help......please....please help me.......:o(

so much

there's just too much on my mind these days....i'm overwhelmed......i can only hope for the answers to come in my dreams....i haven't really talked to any of you....because i don't want to burden, sound like a complainer, or seem needy...but I NEED YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW

i've been looking for this

"Right Now"

Someone right now is leaving their apartment
Looking down at the street, wondering where there car went
Someone in the car sitting at a signal
In front of a restaraunt, staring through the window
at someone right now with their finger in their teeth
Who could use a little floss right across the street
there's somebody on the curb who really needs a jacket
spent half the rent at a bar getting plastered
Now he gotta walk fourteen blocks
to work at a shop where he's about to get fired.
Someone right now is looking pretty tired
Staring at a laptop trying to get inspired
Somebody living right across the street
She wrote the best things she's written all week
but her best friends coughing up blood in the sink
Can't even think what happened, feeling so confused
And he knows it looks bad but there's nothing he can do
I wonder what it's like to be right there in his shoes

[Chorus]
But no I'm just taking it in
Out the window of a hotel bedroom again
Tommorrow I'll be gone I don't know when I'll be back
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that

Yo somebody right now is dropping his vote inside a box
And trying not to get shot in his throat
For the act of freedom right now somebody is stuck in Iraq
Hoping that he gets shipped back breathing
in a war that he's not really sure of the reasons
So we show our support when the press mislead them
Though we more then remain proud and salute the troops
get some I know you boys got some work to do
Meanwhile right now someones 25 to life
And is standing on the corner with their thumb up hitchiking
Stretching off a lotto ticket hoping for a real winner
Sneaking through the border just to work and to eat a real dinner
Right now someone wishes they were you and I
instead of second guessing freedom thoughts of quiet suicide
But right now I'm staring at the window at a frame
with holes in his arm and holes in his jeans
he pulled out his cigarette sparked the light
And walked right around the corner just outta my sight

But yo I'm just taking it in
From the second story hotel window again,
The TV's on, and my bags are packed,
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that

[Repeat]

Ya right now somebody sitting in the darkness
Trying to figure out how to put some heat in their apartment
But they got a little mattress and a little carpet
And they appreciate it 'cause some people on a park bench
You see them when you rushing to get to the office
wife robbed blind when she coming from the market
Right now somebody coming out from the pocket
Trying to dump that rock they run around the block with at
The same time the cops is raising the glock with aim
To fill your legs and back with some hot shit
Right now somebody struggling to stop this man
Who's kick and punching and cussing at the doctors
Down the hall the child taking his first breath
The doctors ain't even passed him to the nurse yet yo
I wonder if he understands what it's worth yet
Like the time spent while we here on the earth yet
The answer to the question that we all seek
can be found depend on how free y'all think
Right now it's somebody who ain't eat all week
That would kill for the shit that you throw away in the street
I guess one man's trash is the next man's treasure
One mans pain is the next mans pleasure
one say infinity the next say forever
right now everybody got to get it together man

I'm just taking it in another strange hotel lobby again
Put my luggage on my back I don't know where I'm at
I'm in world where we all change just like that,
Like that, like that, just like that, like that, just like that

Just like that, Just like that

on a lighter note

I can pick out what i need to do to fix things, I need to actually take action on them in order to pull myself out of this....funk....and I need to stop dwelling on all the things not going right in my life and start dwelling on the things that i have that are wonderful...for instance...the lovelies that i live with...the friends that haven't disappeared on me...that fact that I am loved...

blahblahblah

there are so many things troubling my mind lately....yet i'im scared to talk to you about them....
I feel like a whiney little fucking bitch lately and I hate it because i can see that i'm doing it....one, it comes from this really being the first time being really sick and not having my mother around to check up on me or have anyone around to take care of me...and I should be used to that by now...I've faced things that would drive anyone mad all on my own, yes, it may have damaged me,in ways, i feel, beyond repair, but that is the world that we live in and I shouldn't expect anything different or special for me. My head is so full of doubt and heart so full of fear lately and i feel like i'm becoming needy, moody, and unpleasant to be around because of it but this, mixed with the horrid dreams i've been having, make it near impossible to ignore or stuff down inside like i'm so able and capable of doing. Bare with me everyone...I've hit a rough patch...I'm hoping it will pass soon...please let it pass soon..I'm sorry to anyone this may have affected... when you have reocurring dreams of desertion and self-destruction, you start to believe it is happening in real life....

I don't want to go through this again, i'm trying everything in my power to keep from falling to the bottom again....just please, the only thing i ask is to help me out if i need it

wellll

wellll my throat isn't swollen to the point of non-breathing anymore but my body is still soooo weak, I called out of work for tomorrow and I don't have to work again until thursday which is great, hopefully by then i'll feel much better...Again I'm left to my own devices, i'm totally not saying anything against my roomies, i'm glad they are all out doing their thang but this is why i hate being sick. I'm normally quite well off on my own, doing my own thing but when i'm couped up in the house or in my bed there are only so many things i can do but such is life and again it's no one's fault it's just how life happens and I deal. I haven't had those horrid dreams again, i'm hoping that was the end, they almost drove me insane. Derek is on his way over for a bit to hang and watch a movie until i get too exhausted to be awake, I've never had fatigue like this before even with sickness, I move two inches and am completely exhausted and sweating and ugh but oh wellllll hopefully I will be back to myself soon enough.

pppppppooooooooooooooooooop

dear blog...
i feel like poop...and my esophagus apparently wants to swallow my uvula, soft pallet, and tonsils.....
"no esophagus, you may not eat my throat, i need it for various things such as swallowing...many things......speaking....singing.......so for the record can we not try to auto-cannibalize ourselves in the future??hmm??? thanks"

sincerely,
Dan's body

"Right Where It Belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

what's been in my head lately

I've been not myself lately....reclusive....seclusive....isolating...sleeping....I'm not happy...I'm so stressed out about money...I want to afford things....I need clothes....I want to be able to spend some money when the occasion calls for it without worrying....I'm 24 years old....by the time my parents were 20 they were married, bought a house, and had no worries about any of this....I'm 24, broke, working at starbucks serving people who are ungreatful, rude, unpassionate about life...when I'm here with nothing more than the roots of life: the desire for a constant bettering of self, pursuit of my goals, and the desire that my life is based on: to love and be loved in return....YET EVERY FUCKING OBSTACLE GETS IN MY WAY...i'm so exhausted..i know life is not meant to be easy and I don't want it to be...but i mean i've come so far...to this point...i've lost so much...i've made it through things that some people couldn't even begin to imagine...the death of someone i loved so much...feelings of desolation..complete and utter despair...depression so bad that caused a complete loss of will to live....i got through it...the death the next year after finally trying to move on from the last lost love....sickness...almost dying from that sickness...surgery after surgery....I made it through...somehow..some way...I made it through....now I'm here...working for Starbucks...broke...in debt...not pursuing my music...not doing anything...i just sit...stagnant...i need the keyboard from my parents' house...but my father won't let me take it....I have no outlet....NONE...i'm going crazy...I havent been to the gym in months and i'm out of shape again...there go the aspirations for modeling that i had...but in order to get back in shape i need money...a new job.....i don't have either...so i wait...sometimes i think i'll wait forever...until i'm right exactly where i want to be..If it wasn't for this apartment and the people i live with as well as other close friends i wouldn't be here...at all....and the dreams....i'm plagued by these dreams lately.....
I've been having this dream lately...every single time i close my eyes to sleep...plagued...haunted....it won't stop until i'm out of my mind...I dream that I wake up in a place of complete darkness....completely alone..with a spotlight only on me..there is no one..only me...eventually I go crazy and try to end myself..my existance...and nothing works...i just lay there mangled, in the dark, knowing that there is no one there, no one is coming, no one to be there to tell me it will all be alright...and i wake up...sweating...crying...i don't know why or where it is coming from....but i can't take it anymore...so that is the real deal to what has been going on with me lately.....

what i need to do

1) get to the gym
2)get back in shape
3)get into modeling and talk to chris about his connections
4)get my keyboard here
5) get a better job
6)work on my music
7) market my music
8) stop fucking procrastinating
maybe once i set all these in motion i'll stop going out of my mind

what i need to do

The place where my heart lies is summed up in this

now for the rest

Today was rough....There's been a lot on my mind about money things and everything...not getting paid on time....the works...Sunday is Justin's birthday....I miss him dearly...Sunday I will be going to the cemetery to bring him flowers and wish him a happy birthday...ironic...birthday...and I'm wishing him a happy one...even though he is six feet underground...but sure enough...when i got home...and grounded and centered myself...with the help of the other great energies in the house i felt calmer...yes things are still on my head...but i calmed down..was able to think rationally and more in depth about what is bothering me...not to mention calmed down quite a bit from the conversation with a friend that left me shaking with fury....This video and song is by one of the most influential people I've ever come across...This is Lisa Gerrard...you may have heard her voice on film soundtracks such as Gladiator...The Insider...Ali...Salem's Lot...Whale Rider.. etc... She has my exact view and theory on music...it comes from the universe around us and is interpreted internally...that it provides an escape from the fleshy prisons that bind us to this world...that the expression and emotion expressed is the deepest form of expression...She sings in her own language...and uses her body as a vessel...you'll see what I mean....She goes to show that the deepest of emotion and the deepest parts of the soul can be understood by all without a form of understandable lyrics...and that words are, in fact, more limiting and binding when used to express an emotion....just watch...and really feel this video and song.....you won't be disappointed.

vent

this one is for a friend...a friend that started the same old shit with me today that was one of the main causes for our break up years ago....It's always me being there for him and when i finally take a breather and am under a lot of stress and the focus is not on how he is feeling i get accused...i get words shoved down my throat...thoughts that were not mine taken out of my head....I get accused of being a bad friend, of not being there when "he needed me" of making excuses to not hang out with him...that I don't really want the friendship....and nothing i say will be the right thing..and nothing i do will be the right move....I'm fucking done with that...where was he during the hardest times of my life....when i had a hole in my heart and soul the size of the universe..when i lost not one but two people that were so precious to my heart....where was he when i felt so dead inside that i did not care what happened to me...where was he when i reached out to him for a friend....that's right...nowhere in sight...he was always busy on school work..always busy working on the CD...always busy writing music....so I don't ever want to fucking hear that he's always been there for me.....I don't want to hear that the sole reason why i haven't talked to him in a week is because i don't want his friendship anymore...or that I'm lieing to him to not hurt his feelings...I've been so stressed out over things lately, mainly money and paying for rent and bills and my credit payments...working a job that is over an hour away because my manager won't follow up on my transfer....what my future is going to hold as far as my job status.....did he ever stop to think that maybe i need some time to sort through my head??did he ever try and think that oh maybe there's something wrong and that is why he's pulled back a little?? No, he hasn't....as soon as his problems are not at the forefront of my world then all hell breaks loose...i get accused of being selfish...of never being there...of not trying...well you know what this one is for you.

2nd video for today

Translation:

I'm waiting
I was waiting, waiting for a long time
In the dark shadow of grey towers
In the dark shadow of rain towers
You will see me waiting forever
One day it will come back
Over the seas, over the lands
Over the lands, over the seas
To steal me on the trunks
It will come back full of spray
In the dark shadow of the black towers
Will come back the blue wind
To breathe my wounded heart
I will be pulled away by its blow
Far away by its stream to another land
I will be pulled away by its breath
Far away by its stream, wherever it wants
Wherever it wants, far away from this world
Between the sea and the stars

video one for today

sleep

i'm verging on no sleep as of late...as it is now 5:38 in the morning and the sun is rising...and no sleep yet....everyone has now gone to sleep....and the cycle continues where ever i go...i'm always the last one up and awake..trying to keep myself busy and my mind occpied enogh for me to catch a break in my thoughts and lay my head to rest for a few hours....yeah ive started smoking lightly again.....i feel horrible about it....but i'm so damn stressed out lately...especially about money....i hate it...money sucks....yet i desire it...i guess i just hate not having money.....i shouldn't blog this late (early) because it always comes across as the world is wrong...it's not....i'm so happy through the day...but for many years now i've used late nights as time for me....to ponder...to think....which isn't always a good thing in certain areas.....so that is why the last few blogs have been all heavy thinky type.....because it's late and i've already spent the whole night walking a maze in my head....Oracle stated that he worries for me...being an insomniac....but his company late at night really gets me through it easier....



You think this is how I am jsut because i'm not settled in all the way and don't have a bed...but you'll soon learn that this heart and soul are never at rest...well that's a lie...but at night at least...and this does continue...as it will when i'm fully settled in here....bedrooms make me feel more isolated....and when your biggest fear is that you are going to wake up one day completely alone...everyone either deserting you or suddenly vanishing...isolation or feelings of isolation can be very hard to deal with let alone sleep through..(now you guys know my absolute biggest fear)..but i won't show it....Oracle got it right with the whole chimera thing....i won't let it show...and i'll do exactly what i've done for as long as i remember....just keep swimming

5:44 in the morning...my last post for the morning

I wanted to share this with you...a song that has gotten me through the worst of times....it made me notice that I have been stronger through certain things in my life than i ever really gave myself credit for...for the simple fact that i would never give up hope......and in a few ways....that is why i'm alive today...literally.....i know you guys are still getting to know my past....emotionally it has been hell...at times.....and i feel that i'm being rewarded now...rewarded with a home...and friends that i love with all that i am.....so i'd like to pass that to anyone out there that has ever felt lost, tired, beaten down, depressed, sad, lonely...at the edge....those who are about to give up.....you're never alone in any of it...there is always a soul or souls out there going through it as well.....never give in or give up.....

Song for today

I'm sitting here..the sun is rising....so many colors...so much energy....and the horizon sings to me...peace....calm....soul at ease....and I've decided to post this video for today....and also because Jessye Norman is my absolute favorite classical vocalist....ever...end of story....just listen and absorb the radiance she brings...let it move you....travel outside your body as I do when I melt into music....just feel

song for yesterday

Here is what I felt best described the feeling in me yesterday...here is "Leaving Hope" by Nine Inch Nails

Long time , no blog

So I've been sucking at this blog thing lately.....I need to get better at this.....Yesterday....Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. I've been waking up in sweats again...waking with fear in my heart and mind..this overwhelming sense of ugh...it happens now and then....but now I get super paranoid...paranoid because the death dreams are also coming back...I'm hoping they end soon because when they continue someone always dies...It has happened with every death in my life..it starts as an uncomfortable feeling..forboding...ominous...like there is a film over my skin that i can't seem to wash off...then the dreams start...they grow in intensity and freqency until the inevitable happens...I hope I'm wrong this time......Yesterday it hit me and I started to dwell; my mind acted as the usual chasm of twists and turns and paths that lead directly to a feeling of ick....I couldn't wait to get home in order to bask in the amazing energy of my loves....and at first...i didn't feel instant relief like I expected...But it slowly washed over me like a blanket of warm fuzziness and I gradually became myself again....they put my soul at ease...I've never experienced anything like it....And the new addition to the group...what an amazing type of energy....it's so unique....It's as if he casts a blanket of energy over you that just wraps you in warmth and security....it's so strong yet so.....elusive...for the simple fact that you don't notice it until you pay attention to it...I felt the three energies around me and within me...and I was whole again....and singing also helped a lot...Today went MUCH better even though I had to work on the one nice day out of the whole f'ing month....It was a great shift and went by pretty fast...I'm still wide awake, and the last one up in the house...but I feel my soul is safe here.....
--------apparently there is a flood watch for us....what an interesting time to get a weather alert....hehehe
tomorrow is work...yet again...but I need the hours and the money....and it's only a 4 hour shift...then it is party time and a day off on sunday...which will probably be spent doing yard work for my grandmother...i can't really complain...I'll be outside in the sun and will be getting paid for it...any income counts right? more blogging soon!!!!

song for the day

I thought this video fit perfectly because first off the lyrics are very easy to relate to at this point in my life and second of all the amount of magic and awe and love that Girl-Creature and Oracle bring to my life is absolutely RIDONCULOUS and I can't help but stop and just observe them sometimes and be completely taken back and amazed at the wonderment of my other two pieces.....the ones i've searched for so long to reunitee with....after so many lives andyears and.....i remember you!



"I know good things
I know bad as well
Any witness to the world will tell
If there is sorrow
Then there is beauty and trust
A secret pearl inside the heart of us...

So truly, if there's light then I want to see it
Now that I know what I am looking for
Truly, if there's joy then I want to feel it
Here in this world is where I want to be
'Cause I can't cry anymore

And there is magic now, under blood red trees,
All the sky will scream a mystery
And if we're strangers here
From the day we are born
Why be afraid of freedom if it is yours?

So truly, if there's light then I want to see it
Now that I know what I am looking for
Truly, if there's joy then I want to feel it
Here in this world is where I want to be
'Cause I can't cry anymore

All the world is calling, calling out my name
All the world is saying it won't be the same
All the sky is showing how it's gonna be"

I'm here...

people say home is where the heart is.....that it is a feeling.....not a dwelling....I never knew this statement to be true until recently...and all the searching and longing for a place to call home over the past i don't know how many years is over.....I'm home...I've found it....I should say I've found them....When I'm with them I'm so strong, confident in everything, aspects of my being that i never knew were there are brought right to the surface....We are one and three..and I can finally feel I'm loved and that I belong with these two...and for once in my life I know that I am right where I am supposed to be without one doubt in my mind..There is no uncertainty...and there is so much love...my soul beams every day...and it gets increasingly harder to pry myself away from Girl-Creature and Oracle whenever I have to leave for periods of time...like two pieces are suddenly removed from me and my strength fades...so much love for you guys :o)

This song I've heard once before...and after this day of crazy head things I feel it is very appropriate....just listen...and really listen...with your whole self.....the lyrics are so beautiful....in a way....i guess because i feel i can relate to this song quite a bit......anyway today was nuts...my head was a rollercoaster....for osme reason..wait. i knokw exactly why....i got woken up by an angry father who was in a bad mood for no reason....he started yelling commands at me and they didn't even register at tat time of the morning.....we went to breakfast...i mowed the lawn at my grandmother's....had a major mood swing because my thoughts were eating me alive...chilled before work and then went to work....I was so absolutely happy that Girl-Creature and Oracle came to visit me...even if it was only 10 minutes.....they as usualy brought such a calm to my raging inner mind....and frankly is what got me through the rest of my shift....and i enjoyed the crazy phone conversations that followed....they made me giggle quite a bit........thank you guys.....i love you both so, so much

short post

the only ay i can sum up today and the hell my brain pu me through is this song lyrics


"Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright"

The Little Fur Family brings me back

It akes me think of a time when i was young...when i didn't know anything outside my world of security and family closeness....a time when I wn't yet beaten down by some of the horrible things this world can do...the age of innocence and ignorance..I wouldn't change the path I've taken now whether it be the good or bad because it has been one hell of a journey...but thinking of that book and of my mother reading it to me...it's cute and furry

my body hates me..well my eyelid at least

I have a stye...i get one every spring in the same spot on my right eyelid....only this time it is really red and my whole eyelid is swollen and it looks like i got punched....GROSS...anyway i have to go to work...i really wish i could call out but we don't have enough people to cover...and then i have to work more on a gift.....you're gonna like it :op when i ever get it finished.....i shall have one part of your stuff tonight and the other on tuesday when you come down for movie night.....i feel like the biggest loser because this isn't done in time....but i hope you understand :op''' I LOVE YOU!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!see oyu in a few hours!!!!

It's always Sexy

Never be the token drunk tramp that sleeps with everyone at the same party

Well there is a difference..There is no harm in flirting or flaunting in a certain aspect...everyone enjoys feeling attractive at times...It gets you drinks..steamy makeout sessions if you want to go there...trips to nepal.....It gets you attention in certain areas...but leave it at that unless it's some circumstance saying otherwise...Trampy is being over the top and sleeping around with everyone that will look your way.....or that girl at the party that would make out with your dog if given the chance....sexuality is nothing to be feared, it is part of us, embrace it....but don't go over the top...it's all about moderation ad wise choices....there's a difference between teasing and temtping and giving it all up...thats what makes you easy....and no one wants to be that easy....all but that token drunk girl that lights the wrong end of her cigarette at parties....i once knew a girl that would wear mini skirts that were already 3 sizes too small and would cause her to walk around similar to what a frog would look like walking on its two back legs....her danger zone was always in danger of popping out and she would do anything that would come her way....gross....be sexy....be charming....flaunt it without overdoing it....aknowledge the fact that you may have eyes on you....but keep it there..it adds mystery....it adds substance...and an intrigue that will leave a lasting impression on another..

one more thing

I have been deeply deeply desiring to go to a certain spot along the mohawk trail at peterson park with T and E....to be in my element with the two closest people to me....the two that understand this urge to be surrounded by the woods...with water flowing all around...and the damp smell of the mossy trees and rocks....and soft pine-needled ground.....it would be sensory overload....and i think there could be such magic that could happen between the presence of the three of us i nthat one spot...i want to FEEL NATURE....it's getting to be my time....strike that...our time of the year....and i want to experience these things with you guys....so next warm day that we all have off...we are going to that spot....i have a feeling...that the presece of you guys with me...is goign to have a certain effect...and i want to test that theory out :op

oh today

my mother is home again cause she is sick....upper respritory infection...sound familiar anyone?? haha anyway i guess it is nice to have her here during the day even though i usually use this as my quiet time on my days off....I'm really trying to take in the moments i have with the parents, especially my mother as of late...i just realized that sometimes i take having her for granted....and i never ever want to do that with anyone...i'm going to be moving out soon and things undoubtedly are heading into a glorious new chapter in my life and i'm so excited...so now i must absorb the moments i haave living under one roof with them. Anyway today is a day of speculation...of contemplation...my mind is sound...for now at least and i feel i can think more in depth without my raging emotions getting in the way...well they are still raging but today has been a day to accept them raging, acknowledge them and put the aside for the time being....i'm still shopping for someone...as well as making something i think you'll like.....it is your birfday after all...but that is the only hints i'm giving you :op''' well that is all to report for now, i must get dressed and get ready for the day and not waste the glorious sunlit sky outside...i have work tonight...ick...6:45 to 10:45...what an annoying shift....only 4 hours....yak....people should come visit!!!
Cameron came over last night..we talked the night before....i've been warning and talking with him just because i want him to move on to a brighter future...i want him to get over this and sometimes i feel so bad that he fell that deep with me....because i hate to ssay that he is not the one that i'm supposed to be with....his energy didn't match up to mine...the soul energy familiarity i look for wasn't there....the personalities were too different.....he's a great guy...a little clingy at times.....but he's a good soul.....and i hate hurting innocent people.....it's just hard to tell someone that may love you that they aren't the one you are supposed to fall in love with...and that it just isn't working.....anyway he came over and we hung out and watched a movie, it was cool...i just hope that he can do that alright without adversly affecting his own psyche....if he needs time he needs time and shouldn't be hanging with the one that has been making him so crazy....i told him this and he said it wouldn't matter anyway....but i don't see hwo that is possible....more later!!!!! enjoy the sun everyone!!!!!

video one for today...Crash by Daughtry

sometimes the world parallels itself in so many ways and everything is connected....in some weird sort of odd worldy way....

the official video for today

after this horrid week with my head and feeling like hope was lost...it was restored again tonight....such a beautiful night....here is the video....and i lvoe you guys so much

this will be ours this coming fall

I have a feeling this song will come into play this comming fall for us....AH!!!

speachless

and i'm speachless...eyes watery....for i can't express what that just meant to me.....i'm going for a walk or a drive to think....and i'm crying...because i so absolutely appreciate beautiful and meaningful things when they are done for me...i ever ask for much....i don't need much....so when things happen or are wrtten i really and absolutely appreciate them....thank you for that beautifulness you painted on your blog....you always have a knack for making me feel that no matter what....things wil somehow be ok...even when at times they feel everything but.....i really can't wait until we finally live together....no more nights i na dim room where thoughts are all i have whether i want them in my head or not.....and even if everyone is sleeping i know that i will be able to feel the energies from you and e to help guide me through the night.....and in all honesty i really feel this inherant loneliness that builds up inside my soul is partially from a past life......i know something happened....and i do know that without love my life is meaningless....and like i said i can get by on my own....but i can't explain it....it's just this deep deep pit inside me that really has been there for as long as i can remember....i dunno i have a lot of crazy thoughts on the subject....we should chat about crazy thoughts soemtime!!! haha and fingerpanting....sounds absolutely needed in our daily lives...thank you for moving me to the point of tears....and for really showing me that i'm not alone... :o)

...rough day

"And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away

And I forgot
To tell you...."

Where can I park my Escalade with gold rims?

indulgent....although sometimes we have to be indulgent to be sinsible

I'll spend my golden years in Killarney, Ireland

Kilarney...The Shire...same difference

Because it is probably one of my top two most beautiful places i've ever been to..The countryside is like nothing i've ever seen...So green and Earthy smelling...and the people are so kind and welcoming and the pubs are just amazing....It would be like living in the shire from Lord of the Rings.....

and an amazing third

and the second

Song of the day to describe the day

Yes, it has been this type of day.....i'm a little nervous to seewhat the night will bring hahaha

My favorite line from 'Equilibrium'

"tell me, why are you alive? What is your meaning; your purpose?"

"Without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock....ticking"
Because it is so true...Without emotion, without the good or the bad there is nothing...we would not have our humanity without emotion...no music, no books, no movies, imagination and the ability to dream for ourselves would not exist. it would be a cold, cold world...and something i hope i never have to see

tonight

ahhh tonight was amazing...and amazingly awesome after the dancing with old people thing....i can't believe the place that we found......it's so us...i would describe and explain more except i'm sleep deprived and high as a kite sooooooo tomorrow it will be

holy antlers

is this place real??? can aplace that is 4,000 square feet honestly be this cheap to rent????YES CAUSE WE BELIEVE IN DREAMS!!!!!

so excited

TO SEE THE HOUSE TODAY EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

second song of the day

song for the day

'Let Go' will help you through a break-up

Let Go by Red

Because it is a powerful angry song like whoa

She Just Can't Live With Herself by Brianne Chasanoff

Because it captures the missing of someone and the longing to still be near them even though you know it will never happen again...and it does so in such an amazing way

Out from Under by Red

Basically if you listen to this song you will know....it is almost on the edge of insanity about someone who was left and neglected by someone they loved...great song

Dreams are all I have left of you...but I know that is how I can hold on

I had dreams as I do from time to time about Matt last night...The first one I had of him was the night right before his wake...i was in a funeral home kneeling in front of a casket with the look of complete despair on my face and tears running freely don my cheeks...and I noticed someone kneel next to me...I turned and it wa him....he looked at me with compassion and apologetic eyes...and his smile...that smile i will never ever forget...the brightest most hope filled smile i've ever seen...that smile came across his face and he chuckled and said "Can you fucking blieve this shit?"...I asked him why...but I already felt why he did it in my heart..why he chose to end his life...he put his hand to my cheek and said "i'll always be with you" and i woke up...and sobbed....and even now..i feel his energy around me all the time...especially when the nights seem helpless and without hope..almost as if he gives me hugs from time to time..because i feel it in my heart....i've gone twice so far to the cemetery this month to have a chat...because that is what i would do if he were alive...he would listen to anyone who needed an ear or a shoulder to cry on....so I still do that even if i now have to speak through 6 feet of ground...last night I had a dream...there was no verbal communication just mental and emotional....and the whole time this song was playing throughout the dream...so it will be my third song for the day....I miss you....I will always miss you...your smell, your smile, your kindness...your embrace..the way you always seemed so light and careless...the party animal we knew you to soemtimes be...the dancing...the love you showed to each and every one of your friends....your constant search for enlightenment..your way of accepting and looking for the good in everyone you would meet along the way..and your ability to see and bring out the best part in everyone around you....You changed my life...my outlook...my being..jsut by knowing you you brought out the parts of me that i was afraid to show anybody...and now i live through them everyday...you made me a stronger and better person...you opened my heart and allowed ove to flow so freely for everybody.....the life lessons you taught me can never ever be forgotten...the one thing i regret is never being able to tell you this in person before your time came...I miss you my friend


Your smile shines in my heart and I will forever keep it there...and as I vow to treat others as you did...with absolute open hearted love..It will be there that you are alive once more...and your legacy will be passedon...No one ever said it would be easy.........but no one ever said it would be this hard....but i'm healing....and i've found two friends that i can thank for that...for every time i'm with them my heart feels less broken....and i'm not scared that my heart will stop beating anymore....I know i'm not out of the woods yet...and that there are deep scars left by this and everything else from the past few years....but like everything else...it just takes a little time..with the people you care most about..you guys know who you are...

the second

The line near the start of the song says it all "As long as yo are true to the life that you live, this is the time to feel love"
It speaks of being true to yourself and reawakening..of finding something in your life that changes you so immensly that it projects you forward to a brighter future
"I feel a stirring deep within, slowly, picking up momentum, like the tide coming into shore, over and under in its course.Every nerve like a firelfly, glowing, this feeling emblazed inside, every nerve like a firefly.. I never want to lose what I have finally found. There's a requiem; a new congregation and it's telling me go forward and walk under a brighter sky"

music that guides my life

So i've decided today that I am goign to post a song or two per day to describe the type of day it is.. and the first one I will post is this





this song speaks of such passion but of a deep longing as well...two things I often feel and have felt for a long time. The time has come in this world to let down guards, to let feelings through and to let them guide you i nall you ever do. This song matched this day in that I feel completely and utterly passionate from the very center of my heart

Don't say 'moist' around me

moist
because it just sounds gross

vulva
because it just sounds gross

seen
because people don't know how to correctly use it... i.e "You know what I seen yesterday?"

definitely
because for some reason i never spell it correctly

vagina
who the hell looked at it and said "I'm going to call it... VAGINA"?!?! really?

you're and your
when people misuse these it makes me want to punch someone's nostril "I'm ot going to do it, YOUR goign to do it" I mean come on...use it right...My old band put out an album and made the mistake of letting the band member with the worst english skills give the track listing to the people making our book...our first song on the album was called "You're Mine"....well we got over 700 completed albums that said "Your Mine" and believe me I brought it up..and no one in the band besides the guitarist found a problem with it...and no, the song was not about inner self conflict like the title then suggested

ask
it is not AXE, you are not going to violently murder someone with a question, you are going to ask someone a question....

finger
something bugs me about this...i can't put my finger on it

You can call me...

...Soup....because i'm a whole lot of stuff mixed into one...

AH!

Today was great, I told myself that it was going to be a better day than yesterday and went from a deep contemplative mode to a very energetic and lighthearted by the end of the night. Today was filled with class and work, the gym, and denny's with a very drunk friend....it was....interesting...he confessed his love for me and my friend Liz and told her that if he were straight he would do things to her holes....ummmmm yeah....the gym today rocked my socks...i put myself through one hell of a workout and am going to feel it tomorrow....and i can't wait for pajama night tomorrow!!! sleep for me...zzZZzzZZ

but i'm not goign to let it win

i swore to myself that i would not let this defeating side win again.....i think sleep may help...and tomorrow is a brand new day

thank god i was able to be in the company of amazing friends...because it helped to feel them with metonight....it gave me a break from the hell today was....T and E...thank you

this one's for God

I don't get it, I don't get you and I don't get why my brain was created to kick me into the ground over and over..God, this one's for you..

The fuzzy blanket sells itself

Forget that snow! by stevevoght

No but I totally want a snuggie.....it's a backwards robe

left speachless

I just watched Once...It has been such a long time since I have been touched like that by a movie....it was just absolutely beautiful...I cried...A LOT..and i'm still a tad speachless at the moment.....beautiful doesn't do it justice.....Thank you T for lending me that.....I still can't believe how deeply it touched me and in so many ways

from this point on I live my life to....

the guidelines of this song....for once in my life i feel worth something....and i know that i have friends that truely believe in me.....i have never been able to look in the mirror without telling myself i was worthless...that there had to be more...and everyday i'm now discovering something new around every corner..i thought i knew myself in the past and i couldn't have been more wrong...i'm awakening in every aspect.....for once i'm not a waste...for once i'm beautiful...for once i'm not ready to leave this place so early...for once...i'm finally looking ahead to a glorious future.....we all fall sometimes....but i have a renewed strength to keep moving.....time will heal....this song is also being posted for T and E and all those friends that have made such a difference in my life....and to Matt and Justin....thank you....I almost completely went crazy after you guys died....but in a sense you allowed me to hit bottom...to not know anything besides the pain and sorrow inside my heart..so I could know the purity of being reborn....and to never ignore my heart..and now i realize that with you guys near me in spirit i am stronger than ever before...



"That's what the Wise Lady Said" by Angtoria



I wish you could be
All you ever dreamed
Move on, no regrets
Try to be the absolute best

Stand on your own
You can make it, be someone
Win the war in your head
Thats what the wise lady said!

There'll be times, when you cant face
The weary lights of day
But be strong & believe
You can be anything you wish to be

Don´t let your fears, hold you back
Life isn´t meant, to be easy
Find justice for what you lack

Time will heal the scar
Be proud of who you are
Taste the phantasies that you dread
Thats what the wise lady said!

I came from nothing here I am
I won the war in my head!

the piece of me that needs to be gone

i don't understand...how there can still be such a deep pit of almost utter despair in my soul.....i try to ignore it when it pops back up, i try to just shut it off but it just wont sometimes....i had a good time tonight....and i know what spurned this emotional state off.....but i hate this thing inside me that is like a seperate me....and it grates so heavily against me.....so abrassive....and it zaps all the energy from me to try and keep it under wraps. I want to have a good long talk with T to get some perspective on things....that usually always helps...ad i'm hoping that i can get some sleep tonight without angry brain attacking again....it came out of NOWHERE on the way home....gah...could also be because i need sleep....time to make the attempt....this piece of me, while i can't deny it's presence in my life for soooooooooooooooooooooo many years, needs to shut off and leave me alone....because it just does....more tomorrow...hopefully sleep will come soon...and to my beautiful friends may the sweetest dreams come to you....


....I am not giving in and I am never giving up.....on any aspect of my life....ever...i know now that I am worth so much more.....BED TIIIIIIIIIME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :o)

no words

there are no words t describe the feeling i'm experiencing....i have never been so satisfied and greatful with who i am and where i am in life until this point....and it took friends finding friends to wake me the fuck up out of this hibernation i've been in for too many years....and i could never be more greatful....tonight was ridiculous....and amazing...and "cheesey"....and i need to go to bed...blog tomorrow, savor the moment...and even if i had a few cigarettes i don't feel guilty in that i know that i won't desire them tomorrow.....and that is an amazing thing all in itself...the moon was so briliant tonight....have you ever been taken back by a live image???i was in sensory overload on the way home....the warmth outside....the music i was balrring and singing to...and the outside imagewith the white chocolate moon hanging in a foggy yet clear sky.....almost reduced me to tears....for as much as i am a child of the light.....it really is the moonlight that guides me....it represents the duality of life...in that there are such dark horizons present yet there is always that one brilliant and miraculous light in the ark to lead you back home....a darklight....it is how i ground...because one can not be anything but grounded when looking up at a scene of beauty in the night sky....to observe from a distance brings it closer to the heart...to fly up and touch it take the wonder away....so to stay earthbound; touching it with only the mind and imagination can make one soar above and remain firmly planted to this world while all the energy of the universe courses through their veins at the same time.....all you need is to stretch your conciousness from ground to sky...and you will see what i mean...sleep time is beckoning...more tomorrow..goodnight to t,e, and c...you guys have found things in me and brought them out; things i htought were long lost....i love you guys.....may the sweetest dreams come to you

secret

so here is a secret that only a few people know about me...two people that i am highly influenced by are Madonna and Britney...because the amount those two have faced, overcome, accomplished, their beauty, overt amount of sexuality but creative at the same time..the fact that both of them show multiple forms of themselves from sunsuality to inner speulative and contemplative creativity....but one thing always stuck out from the start with them...they have never denied who they are and are true to themselves...and i think they should be respected...

oh silly

I ABSOLUTELY ADORE the fact that my father is listening to Britney Spears....he does that from time to time.....it makes me giggle

Hell's Pizza; how about some BS with a side of bitch

I worked for a local pizza joint in town. I was paid 6.50 an hour under the table and despite being 16 was still expected to operate the ovens and the meat slicers (which by law you need to be 18), I cooked, cleaned, made pizza dough, salads, pasta...all in a very small kitchen with a big work crew and very nazi like bosses...bad experience...I lasted only about a year and got fed up with all the stupid bullshit...They didn't pay me enough for it.

i was going to blog..then i went into brain arrest

and forgot what i was going to blog about...GAH

food for thought

here's some food for thought...i've always considered my mating habits to be somewhat vampiric...i was just watching things from queen of the damned...and holy hotness batman..I don't exactly know what it is...but vampires are yum...thought i'd divulge...HHHHHA!.

i need this shirt

i'm ordering this next pay check

from living to dead and back to living..without the zombie

it's good to be alive again...I was sooooo dead....for the passed few years of my life...just going through the motions...school...gym...work....drink....school...work...gym...i was getting so good at being able to fake a smile that i was frightening myself.....It started back in sophomore year at school...I was in a show with the theater department.....With only a few weeks until the show i was taking a shower one day and noticed a large bulge sticking out from my abdominal muscle....it was exactly what i thought it was...an inguinal hernia....i knew i had to get surgery and there would be a long recovery time because abdominal things take a while to heal because you use your abs to do like everything...the doctor wanted to perform the surgery that weekend before it got any bigger....i told him it had to wait until the end of the show...now it may have been about 3 weeks until show time but the show itself was going to run for 3 weekends...that was about 6 weeks i would have to wait to get the surgery..you do what you have to do..
a couple weeks later I got a call from my friend Ashley...the same Ashley that years later had to call me about Justin...Ashley was hysterical....i didn't know what was wrong....She informed me that our friend; her best friend in the whole world, Chris, had hung himself....he was only 17 at the time...just coming out to people...just becoming more secure with himself and his sexuality....there was no sign of depression, trouble, anxiety...nothing...no warning signs with this one AT ALL...I was shocked..I wanted to be home with friends..to comfort them...to be there....it was tech week for the show...i couldn't go home...i had 6 hour rehearsals every day and 12 hour rehearsals on the weekend...which meant i couldn't go to the wake...the funeral....i couldn't go home to where i needed to be...the bitch of a director didn't have any compassion, no empathy...nothing...she said if i went home i wasn't in the show and that she was going to blacklist me in the theater department....so i stayed... i didn't go home and it haunted me for a long time...i still visit his grave....from time to time..
a week after (thanksgiving break) I had the hernia surgery...it was so horrible...i wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy....i had pain in parts of me that no man should ever feel pain if you know what i mean...i couldn't sleep, stand up, lay down, stretch out..the swelling was horrid...and it just hurt SO much...and I can take a lot of pain...it took me 3 weeks to be able to move around without a hobble...and a full year to recover fully...
Within a few months of being able to move pretty normally from the hernia surgery i got an insane bout of pain one night that spread through my lower abdomen....this fiery, stabby, horrid pain that grew to a peak over about an hour..it just got worse and worse and i was sweating and tranced out to remove myself from the situation...i had no idea what the HELL it was...but it hurt....the next day It happened again...in the middle of class...i keeled over....and had to go to health services...they said it was an adhesion from the hernia surgery...but i somehow knew that wasn't the case because of the nature of the pain...they sent me to the hospital where i waited for 4 hours for them to tell me to come back if the pain or a fever sprang up....the next day was a big day...it was the ceremony for the new university president to be sworn in and our choir and chamber choir group were performing a huge thing for it...the concert choir did Carmina Burana with the big "O Fortuna" first movement....and all of the sudden i got chills....fever chills...and felt really really weak..at the snap of finger...it was there...I got back from the ceremony and was running a fever of 101.0...but I still had a big opera gala to sing in that night again as more of the festivities for the inauguration of our school president...so i went and sang...and had to walk off stage as my health deteriorated later in the evening...i went out after and everyone was coming up to me..people i didn't even know and were asking me if i was alright because i was white as a sheet...no color at all....and the pains hit me again....i refused to go home and just wanted to sleep it off in my dorm at school....and the next day i arranged for my sister to come pick me up because i wandered around the previous night in a disillusioned fever induced trance state and had no idea of anything i was doing....i was literally go in nuts from the intensity of the fever...which i ht ought was maybe only 102 by then....I got home and the pains in my stomach returned and ifinally took my temperature....and it read 105.2....i almost freaked out because i know it can cause brain damage and organ failure when your fever is that high....i was rushed to the emergency room....scared....with no idea of what could be wrong with me....it took 3 hours to get in to see the ER doctor...about 3 in the morning....my parents came in with me...they had me drink the chalky crap to do thex-ray and i also had an MRI because they couldn't figure it out either....i was in and out of consciousness when the doctor came in and woke all of us up...and said "well it's a good time you came when you did because if you let it go any longer you would have been in trouble" he went to explain that they found a massive infection in my intestinal tract...and it was causing me to go into septic shock..in other wards the infection had my fever up to 105 and all the poisons from the infection were leaking into my system and poisoning me...he told me if i waited til the next morning i could have been unconscious or dead...they admitted me to a room and told me that infections of that magnitude were most commonly found in people with crohn's disease and that they would run tests because the only way to find out a person has that disease is to catch it when it is active...it's very tricky to accurately diagnose...they put me on heavy heavy IV antibiotics, pain killers, and tylenol to break the fever...my parents went home...i was in a corner room on the top floor with no one around me...i was isolated...alone..scared...i knew i could have a disease that was serious and not cure able....i barely slept that night..dillusional...depressed...lonely....i cried many times..the next day brought visitors...my family...a few friends...we had a fire alarm go of fin the hospital...instead of evacuating they just come and lock people behind the doors...that felt real safe....i was put on a liquid diet for 7 days...chicken broth and non-red jello....and they gave me vitamins and nutrients through IV fluids...my parents stayed with me until that night and eventually left...my mother bought me a stuffed monkey...it was so soft...and it made me feel beater...and they left...and hte night crew came on which was half the staff..still no one in my wing..no other patients or signs of life...i was sinking...scared...so isolated...i just held onto the monkey and hugged it and cried and told myself things would get better...i just needed any type of embrace at that point with anything hat could bring me comfort...they had me in a few more days and finally the day came for the colonoscopy...the night before consisted of me drinking a gallon of laxative.....literally....over 4 hours i had to drink it....gross...i went in for the procedure..my mother with me the whole way (except in the procedure...weird) and they put me out with the drugs...well they didn't give me enough...and I woke up in the middle of it....fully alert because i can remember it clearly...it hurt SO bad...they told me to watch the monitor and that it would all be over soon (as they yelled to sedate me)i remember waking up with this horrid pain in my stomach....it was jsut...bad....i went to yell or scream or anythign to let them know i was awake and to put me back out...but all that would comeout was a quiet moan....ever have sleep paralysis??it was so much worse than that....i was so aware of what i wanted to do but my body wouldn't respond...i was trapped in my head...traumatizing...
well i had crohn's disease...they were able to catch it quite active....when i left the hospital i was down to 120 pounds...at 6 feet tall...people accused me everywhere of having an eating disorder....it sucked..i knew i had been losing weight before this whole ordeal but i was also trying to lose weight...i was 215 pounds....basically the infection and the crohns caused my intestinal tract to go into shock...so i was eating...but my body was not gaining anything from it...i wasn't absorbing anything from the food...so i was starving to death...I was put on a strict diet for a while....and finally gained back some of the weight to a healthy level...but keeping it on is another story...
the next year came...i wanted it to be better...it was interesting..me and derek were broke up but living together...fighting constantly...he threw a table at me once...and went absolutely crazy..that too was a different time for him...he's so much better now..this is the year I met Matt...oh Matt...he would always smile at me whenever I saw him and we finally started talking and hanging out and going to the gym but the summer soon came and we lost touch for a while until we came back the next year..and I found out he was dating my good Friend, Nick..i talked to him a lot on AIM but started seeing him in person less and less..the next year as well...it was my 4th year..i knew i had 5 ahead of me...so i just tried to get through it...I was feeling very stagnant..i had new roommates which was nice because me and Derek needed a break....Me and Matt again lost touch for a little while because he moved back home to be with his family..after a failed suicide attempt earlier that year which i found out later...he made many attempts in his life...so eager to end his life when he was so SO full of living energy...healing energy...kindness..love...it poured out of him....the only other people i really could say radiate light like that are T and E and my friends Sarah and Caroline...and S...I had a rough day one day and was having dreams and premonitions again of being at a funeral..as i usually get when someone around me dies or is going to die....i hate it...it freaks me the hell out...but it has happened with everybody so far....and i never know who is going to die until it happens...i just get the warning in a general sense...but one day felt really off...i was depressed like crazy...and felt nuts...i went to do some composition homework in derek's room because i needed help...and he had such a long face....i asked what was wrong and he told me "I feel so bad...did you hear what happened to that kid??" "You know, what happened ot Nicks boyfriend??" My heart sank..not sank....passed out...stopped beating for a minute...."what happened....WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!" and derek said "He killed himself...i feel so bad for nick..." (Derek had no idea i was friends with Matt...he had no idea i had feelings for Matt...i kept him in the dark on purpose) my heart broke...i can recall the feeling so perfectly...like it just stopped beating and broke in pieces.... i fell to my knees...i had no words...no expression...i was numb...filled with guilt..pain...remorse....i could feel the energy missing in the immediate existence....i couldn't cry...i couldn't speak...i couldn't form words...i walked quietly out to the keyboard....derek followed me in silence....and i sat down...and this song...just came through me...i just played this song....so sad...it was pure emotion....and with the trailing end of it...i cried...and derek held me...and i cried more and more...i cried all night...and the next day...i went to the memorial...the wake...the funeral....i started to become dead inside..i couldn't feel anymore..so much over the past 3 years...so much to deal with..traumatic event after traumatic event....my brain and my heart had enough..i was shutting down...i couldn't write music anymore....i was emotionally dead....and with this I will take an intermission in my story and pick up later...this is not being written as a "Whoa is me" thing...I just want people to see what I actually have been through...not many people really know....and now maybe it can bring light into why i'm SO appreciative about things as of late...because this is in part what i have been going through the past few years....more later