help

guys...i never ask for help....but i need it right now...im so sad....so sad.....i feel i'm losing everything....i cant live more feeling like this...i cant live anymore while i feel like this....help me...please.....i need a friend....so bad right now....i'm just hurting so much and i don't know why......i feel so broken....i need your help......please....please help me.......:o(

so much

there's just too much on my mind these days....i'm overwhelmed......i can only hope for the answers to come in my dreams....i haven't really talked to any of you....because i don't want to burden, sound like a complainer, or seem needy...but I NEED YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW

i've been looking for this

"Right Now"

Someone right now is leaving their apartment
Looking down at the street, wondering where there car went
Someone in the car sitting at a signal
In front of a restaraunt, staring through the window
at someone right now with their finger in their teeth
Who could use a little floss right across the street
there's somebody on the curb who really needs a jacket
spent half the rent at a bar getting plastered
Now he gotta walk fourteen blocks
to work at a shop where he's about to get fired.
Someone right now is looking pretty tired
Staring at a laptop trying to get inspired
Somebody living right across the street
She wrote the best things she's written all week
but her best friends coughing up blood in the sink
Can't even think what happened, feeling so confused
And he knows it looks bad but there's nothing he can do
I wonder what it's like to be right there in his shoes

[Chorus]
But no I'm just taking it in
Out the window of a hotel bedroom again
Tommorrow I'll be gone I don't know when I'll be back
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that

Yo somebody right now is dropping his vote inside a box
And trying not to get shot in his throat
For the act of freedom right now somebody is stuck in Iraq
Hoping that he gets shipped back breathing
in a war that he's not really sure of the reasons
So we show our support when the press mislead them
Though we more then remain proud and salute the troops
get some I know you boys got some work to do
Meanwhile right now someones 25 to life
And is standing on the corner with their thumb up hitchiking
Stretching off a lotto ticket hoping for a real winner
Sneaking through the border just to work and to eat a real dinner
Right now someone wishes they were you and I
instead of second guessing freedom thoughts of quiet suicide
But right now I'm staring at the window at a frame
with holes in his arm and holes in his jeans
he pulled out his cigarette sparked the light
And walked right around the corner just outta my sight

But yo I'm just taking it in
From the second story hotel window again,
The TV's on, and my bags are packed,
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that

[Repeat]

Ya right now somebody sitting in the darkness
Trying to figure out how to put some heat in their apartment
But they got a little mattress and a little carpet
And they appreciate it 'cause some people on a park bench
You see them when you rushing to get to the office
wife robbed blind when she coming from the market
Right now somebody coming out from the pocket
Trying to dump that rock they run around the block with at
The same time the cops is raising the glock with aim
To fill your legs and back with some hot shit
Right now somebody struggling to stop this man
Who's kick and punching and cussing at the doctors
Down the hall the child taking his first breath
The doctors ain't even passed him to the nurse yet yo
I wonder if he understands what it's worth yet
Like the time spent while we here on the earth yet
The answer to the question that we all seek
can be found depend on how free y'all think
Right now it's somebody who ain't eat all week
That would kill for the shit that you throw away in the street
I guess one man's trash is the next man's treasure
One mans pain is the next mans pleasure
one say infinity the next say forever
right now everybody got to get it together man

I'm just taking it in another strange hotel lobby again
Put my luggage on my back I don't know where I'm at
I'm in world where we all change just like that,
Like that, like that, just like that, like that, just like that

Just like that, Just like that

on a lighter note

I can pick out what i need to do to fix things, I need to actually take action on them in order to pull myself out of this....funk....and I need to stop dwelling on all the things not going right in my life and start dwelling on the things that i have that are wonderful...for instance...the lovelies that i live with...the friends that haven't disappeared on me...that fact that I am loved...

blahblahblah

there are so many things troubling my mind lately....yet i'im scared to talk to you about them....
I feel like a whiney little fucking bitch lately and I hate it because i can see that i'm doing it....one, it comes from this really being the first time being really sick and not having my mother around to check up on me or have anyone around to take care of me...and I should be used to that by now...I've faced things that would drive anyone mad all on my own, yes, it may have damaged me,in ways, i feel, beyond repair, but that is the world that we live in and I shouldn't expect anything different or special for me. My head is so full of doubt and heart so full of fear lately and i feel like i'm becoming needy, moody, and unpleasant to be around because of it but this, mixed with the horrid dreams i've been having, make it near impossible to ignore or stuff down inside like i'm so able and capable of doing. Bare with me everyone...I've hit a rough patch...I'm hoping it will pass soon...please let it pass soon..I'm sorry to anyone this may have affected... when you have reocurring dreams of desertion and self-destruction, you start to believe it is happening in real life....

I don't want to go through this again, i'm trying everything in my power to keep from falling to the bottom again....just please, the only thing i ask is to help me out if i need it

wellll

wellll my throat isn't swollen to the point of non-breathing anymore but my body is still soooo weak, I called out of work for tomorrow and I don't have to work again until thursday which is great, hopefully by then i'll feel much better...Again I'm left to my own devices, i'm totally not saying anything against my roomies, i'm glad they are all out doing their thang but this is why i hate being sick. I'm normally quite well off on my own, doing my own thing but when i'm couped up in the house or in my bed there are only so many things i can do but such is life and again it's no one's fault it's just how life happens and I deal. I haven't had those horrid dreams again, i'm hoping that was the end, they almost drove me insane. Derek is on his way over for a bit to hang and watch a movie until i get too exhausted to be awake, I've never had fatigue like this before even with sickness, I move two inches and am completely exhausted and sweating and ugh but oh wellllll hopefully I will be back to myself soon enough.

pppppppooooooooooooooooooop

dear blog...
i feel like poop...and my esophagus apparently wants to swallow my uvula, soft pallet, and tonsils.....
"no esophagus, you may not eat my throat, i need it for various things such as swallowing...many things......speaking....singing.......so for the record can we not try to auto-cannibalize ourselves in the future??hmm??? thanks"

sincerely,
Dan's body

"Right Where It Belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

what's been in my head lately

I've been not myself lately....reclusive....seclusive....isolating...sleeping....I'm not happy...I'm so stressed out about money...I want to afford things....I need clothes....I want to be able to spend some money when the occasion calls for it without worrying....I'm 24 years old....by the time my parents were 20 they were married, bought a house, and had no worries about any of this....I'm 24, broke, working at starbucks serving people who are ungreatful, rude, unpassionate about life...when I'm here with nothing more than the roots of life: the desire for a constant bettering of self, pursuit of my goals, and the desire that my life is based on: to love and be loved in return....YET EVERY FUCKING OBSTACLE GETS IN MY WAY...i'm so exhausted..i know life is not meant to be easy and I don't want it to be...but i mean i've come so far...to this point...i've lost so much...i've made it through things that some people couldn't even begin to imagine...the death of someone i loved so much...feelings of desolation..complete and utter despair...depression so bad that caused a complete loss of will to live....i got through it...the death the next year after finally trying to move on from the last lost love....sickness...almost dying from that sickness...surgery after surgery....I made it through...somehow..some way...I made it through....now I'm here...working for Starbucks...broke...in debt...not pursuing my music...not doing anything...i just sit...stagnant...i need the keyboard from my parents' house...but my father won't let me take it....I have no outlet....NONE...i'm going crazy...I havent been to the gym in months and i'm out of shape again...there go the aspirations for modeling that i had...but in order to get back in shape i need money...a new job.....i don't have either...so i wait...sometimes i think i'll wait forever...until i'm right exactly where i want to be..If it wasn't for this apartment and the people i live with as well as other close friends i wouldn't be here...at all....and the dreams....i'm plagued by these dreams lately.....
I've been having this dream lately...every single time i close my eyes to sleep...plagued...haunted....it won't stop until i'm out of my mind...I dream that I wake up in a place of complete darkness....completely alone..with a spotlight only on me..there is no one..only me...eventually I go crazy and try to end myself..my existance...and nothing works...i just lay there mangled, in the dark, knowing that there is no one there, no one is coming, no one to be there to tell me it will all be alright...and i wake up...sweating...crying...i don't know why or where it is coming from....but i can't take it anymore...so that is the real deal to what has been going on with me lately.....

what i need to do

1) get to the gym
2)get back in shape
3)get into modeling and talk to chris about his connections
4)get my keyboard here
5) get a better job
6)work on my music
7) market my music
8) stop fucking procrastinating
maybe once i set all these in motion i'll stop going out of my mind

what i need to do