11 days

this marks 11 days straight that i've been drinking at night to fall asleep.....because i can't deal anymore....i'm drinking just to numb myself and displace myself from my actual life...because the truth is clear....it seems that no matter how much i die each day...i die more the next...and no one gives a fucking shit....my birthday is coming up....and i'm dreading it....i doubt that any of the plans and ideas thought up through the year about this geat birthday that was supposed to be thrown for me will actually be carried out...again i'm forgotten..i've never had anyone plan a great birthday for me....i've never had a party with friends....every time i've fallen in love my heart has been trashed and thrown away....no one has ever bought me flowers...or nice things....i've never had anyone do something specifically special just for me...what is so wrong with me???for once...i just want one thing...that can remind me of how beautiful the world can still be....because lately...i feel nothing....and it's not because i'm crazy....i'm really not...i just have a really sensative heart...that has been broken constantly....over..and over...and over.....and i'm just so sad...maybe dereks dream was right.......i wish......i just need to know.......that someone cares......

.....i don't need you to run away.......what i need is for you to hold me...and tell me it will be ok......