does anyone know how hard this is for me?

....When someone you are absolutely in love with dies...absolutely in love with....you don't get over it over night...you just don't...especially when it is a suicide....i forever changed that day in february almost 3 years ago...i have such a weight i carry with me everywhere...a melancholy that seems to surround me.....part of my heart was torn out...and died with him....i feel like it was yesterday...while i can look back with a tearful smile on him now...something i couldn't before....i still think about him all the time...because i'm still in love with him...and he's dead....for all of you who just say i need to get over it and move on, that he's gone and never coming back, i have words for you...i appreciate you trying to help...but you don't exactly move on from something like this..you deal..and in time..long amounts of time you get used to it being there....i'm as confused as ever...and the guilt i feel i carry around day in and day out...is suffocating...guilt that if i were the one with him i could have stopped it...i could have helped him...or at least died with him...so even in death he wouldn't have to be alone...if i were online early that night or had my phone on i could have talked to him and detered him from doing it...but i was too wrapped up in school work and rehersals to pay attention to any of that..and no one was there....he gave no warning....you don't get over something like this easily....i'm moving slowly forward....taking baby steps....but i need someone right now....i can't take the nights alone anymore...i can't do it...i ahve night terrors...and nightmares...and wake up in nothingness....this has afflicted me with a saddness that i know will never go away or fade....but become part of me....i'm still in love with you...and you're dead...i'm sorry...i'm so sorry....that i never told you that while you were alive....i'm sorry i couldn't save you....i'm sorry i couldn't have swapped places...because your light had shown so much brighter in people's lives than mine....i miss you...and these months are always so hard for me...........