worries

you said we needed to get together to talk soon about things....and that was 3 days ago...i can't be left in this state of wondering because my thoughts go awry....part of me wants to believe that it's just to talk and maybe officially be together...the other huge part of me is preparring to brace for yet another rejection...this is why i don't date...this is why i don't search for people unless i stumble upon them...because i can't take the rejection anymore...what could possibly be so wrong with me....that no one wants me....and this is what i mean...you all say stop dwelling on the negative....but i have no choice....because if my heart breaks again it will be the last....i honestly don't know if i can handle it...and i'm serious this time....every time i say "you know what i'm going to follow everyones' advice and be posative" it always goes south...the world knocks me off my feet so fast that my head is left dazed and confused....i'm worried....some of you don't know what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat from a night terror and have no one there...wake up to emptiness...silence...all that is there is the darkness in the room, the ringing in your ears...the silence of your heart...as you realize you really are alone....some of you don't know what it is like to lay awake for hours with a blank stare on your face and tears spilling the real emotion of your soul down the side of your face as you wish that you had someone to share this journey with that was in it for you....the minutes pass on and on and they feel like years....all you can do is think back to the last person you really truely loved in effort to bring some sort of peace and happiness to your mind...but realize that that last person is 6 feet in the ground..your mind wanders....the world caves in, slowly...so slow that is squeezes and squeezes the life out of you instead of one all together crushing blow......some of you look this side of me as something i can just turn off or instantly change....well it isn't because i would have done that years ago...even when i'm happy...it is still there gnawing at the back of my brain, waiting to strike at any given time.....emotional asphyxiation...i can't help being an emotional being...it fuels my meaning for life...and it fuels my music and everything around it...but the dark side of it is a force to be wreckoned with...and it scares some people...when deep down the reason for it all is that i just can't take being alone anymore...i can't do it...and if he crushes me again tomorrow....then be prepared for my darkness to really show...i'm worried.....