what's been in my head lately

I've been not myself lately....reclusive....seclusive....isolating...sleeping....I'm not happy...I'm so stressed out about money...I want to afford things....I need clothes....I want to be able to spend some money when the occasion calls for it without worrying....I'm 24 years old....by the time my parents were 20 they were married, bought a house, and had no worries about any of this....I'm 24, broke, working at starbucks serving people who are ungreatful, rude, unpassionate about life...when I'm here with nothing more than the roots of life: the desire for a constant bettering of self, pursuit of my goals, and the desire that my life is based on: to love and be loved in return....YET EVERY FUCKING OBSTACLE GETS IN MY WAY...i'm so exhausted..i know life is not meant to be easy and I don't want it to be...but i mean i've come so far...to this point...i've lost so much...i've made it through things that some people couldn't even begin to imagine...the death of someone i loved so much...feelings of desolation..complete and utter despair...depression so bad that caused a complete loss of will to live....i got through it...the death the next year after finally trying to move on from the last lost love....sickness...almost dying from that sickness...surgery after surgery....I made it through...somehow..some way...I made it through....now I'm here...working for Starbucks...broke...in debt...not pursuing my music...not doing anything...i just sit...stagnant...i need the keyboard from my parents' house...but my father won't let me take it....I have no outlet....NONE...i'm going crazy...I havent been to the gym in months and i'm out of shape again...there go the aspirations for modeling that i had...but in order to get back in shape i need money...a new job.....i don't have either...so i wait...sometimes i think i'll wait forever...until i'm right exactly where i want to be..If it wasn't for this apartment and the people i live with as well as other close friends i wouldn't be here...at all....and the dreams....i'm plagued by these dreams lately.....
I've been having this dream lately...every single time i close my eyes to sleep...plagued...haunted....it won't stop until i'm out of my mind...I dream that I wake up in a place of complete darkness....completely alone..with a spotlight only on me..there is no one..only me...eventually I go crazy and try to end myself..my existance...and nothing works...i just lay there mangled, in the dark, knowing that there is no one there, no one is coming, no one to be there to tell me it will all be alright...and i wake up...sweating...crying...i don't know why or where it is coming from....but i can't take it anymore...so that is the real deal to what has been going on with me lately.....