Dreams are all I have left of you...but I know that is how I can hold on

I had dreams as I do from time to time about Matt last night...The first one I had of him was the night right before his wake...i was in a funeral home kneeling in front of a casket with the look of complete despair on my face and tears running freely don my cheeks...and I noticed someone kneel next to me...I turned and it wa him....he looked at me with compassion and apologetic eyes...and his smile...that smile i will never ever forget...the brightest most hope filled smile i've ever seen...that smile came across his face and he chuckled and said "Can you fucking blieve this shit?"...I asked him why...but I already felt why he did it in my heart..why he chose to end his life...he put his hand to my cheek and said "i'll always be with you" and i woke up...and sobbed....and even now..i feel his energy around me all the time...especially when the nights seem helpless and without hope..almost as if he gives me hugs from time to time..because i feel it in my heart....i've gone twice so far to the cemetery this month to have a chat...because that is what i would do if he were alive...he would listen to anyone who needed an ear or a shoulder to cry on....so I still do that even if i now have to speak through 6 feet of ground...last night I had a dream...there was no verbal communication just mental and emotional....and the whole time this song was playing throughout the dream...so it will be my third song for the day....I miss you....I will always miss you...your smell, your smile, your kindness...your embrace..the way you always seemed so light and careless...the party animal we knew you to soemtimes be...the dancing...the love you showed to each and every one of your friends....your constant search for enlightenment..your way of accepting and looking for the good in everyone you would meet along the way..and your ability to see and bring out the best part in everyone around you....You changed my life...my outlook...my being..jsut by knowing you you brought out the parts of me that i was afraid to show anybody...and now i live through them everyday...you made me a stronger and better person...you opened my heart and allowed ove to flow so freely for everybody.....the life lessons you taught me can never ever be forgotten...the one thing i regret is never being able to tell you this in person before your time came...I miss you my friend


Your smile shines in my heart and I will forever keep it there...and as I vow to treat others as you did...with absolute open hearted love..It will be there that you are alive once more...and your legacy will be passedon...No one ever said it would be easy.........but no one ever said it would be this hard....but i'm healing....and i've found two friends that i can thank for that...for every time i'm with them my heart feels less broken....and i'm not scared that my heart will stop beating anymore....I know i'm not out of the woods yet...and that there are deep scars left by this and everything else from the past few years....but like everything else...it just takes a little time..with the people you care most about..you guys know who you are...