Reflections

Friday started off as normal...as normal as it could, i already felt a certain heaviness on my heart since hte previous night but not as bad as last year and i have certain people to thank for picking me back up. Anyway, I went to class after getting about 3.5 hours of sleep and was still a bit tipsy and then decided to meet my friend Katie for 2:00 to pick up a floral arrangement she bought for Matt's family. We met and I couldn't help notice once again how similar the weather was to my mood...warm enough to still feel even with a slight chill on the air...and cloudy...with periods of rain or drizzle...Me and Katie picked up the flowers and she contcted Matt's aunt to ask her where we should bring them. Katie said me nad her were on the way to the cemetery to visit his grave and meet our friend Timmy..She decided to meet us ther as well....
We stepped out when we got there and slowly walked over to his grave..It was Katie's first time since Matt's death to visit the cemetery..We walked over, tears welled up a bit in our eyes and a calm silence just fell over us...There was no need to talk, we knew what we were both feeling and what we were both thinking..It was a windy day and decorations started to blow around so I fixed them and cleaned up the grave a bit and fixed the flowers..And then his aunt Maureen sohwed up...tears in her eyes...soft spoken but had such an inner strangth...you could feel it from this woman...it seems to run in that family...she gave me a warm hug, i had aways seen her but never actaully met her before..very sweet...blonde...pretty.....we asked about his mother and father...his father had it together...but his mom, i was sad to hear, was really about to fall apart this year...Now his mother...his mother is one of the strongest people i've met and one of the absolute sweetest as well...that woman has so much incredble love in her that she gives by just standing there...The first time I met her was at Matt's wake....she had tears down her face...shorter than me...dark hair...chocolate brown eyes..looked so much like him...so much...the face, the nose...the eyes...i introduced myself and she started crying again with a "oh hun...i can't imagine how this must be on his friends...how are you holding up?"...she hugged me so tightly and so warmly that i lost it once again...but i mean come on...it was her son...she found him hanging there lifeless...and she's that concerned over how his friends were taking it...i hugged her again before i left that day...The funeral came...it was a warm day, started off cloudy and rainy...very windy...again very in tune with mood...the curch was packed..completely packed....they started late..they had to bring a monitor downstairs because they had an overflow and had to file a huge crowd into the church hall downstairs...i was so speachless at how many people showed up...at how many lives this incredible boy touched...if only he could have seen that in himself...before the decision was made...such an incredible life lost from this world so short and so tragic....it was undoubtedly the saddest and most beautiful service i've ever been to...between the amaing flowers and decorations in the church to the speakers..friends..family...the memmorials they gave for him...i'll never ever forget the end of the service....they caem up to get the casket...and the pianist hit a couple chords....i was almost knocked to my knees...not out of saddness but out of astonishment and out of the fact that the choir was actaully doing seasons of love..from rent...in a church...at his funeral...the closest song that could mirror his life and our lives wit him even if such a short while...what a rememberance...so beautiful..today i still can't talk about it without being completely taken back by the beauty of all of it...and just as the piano struck the clouds broke outside and light flooded in through the windows....i got in my car and cried nad cried until i couldn't anymore and met some friends for lunch to reflect on a beautiful life....Anyway back to the original story.
His aunt maureen told us that his mother was not doing well this year...one of her other sons was away in australia on an exchange program with school...and it was really hard for her on that day to not have two of her boys around...she loves her boys so much.....a piece of my heart will always try to stay and watch over her...i can't imgine the pain she must feel.... then his aunt went on to share some stories and we all shared stories and tears and it was a great memmorial for the day...me and Katie went to lunch after and I actaully went to work after that despite being so exhausted o could barely move.....
All in all it was a needed day...uncomfortable at times but needed.....This day amde me reflect and really appreciate the friends that i have in my life...and all they've gone through...and al lthey've been through with me....how they've helped me...how they inspire me to my core....how they are my family until the end...and the amount of love i feel from them....It made me realize that i really may not be as alone as i've felt I am in the past....I sent some thank you messages via facebook or text message...i had the discussion and thanked t on hookah night......I'm not ure how E really took the message i sent him because i don't think he is quite used to my level of sincerity when i'm truely appreciative of something or someone lol...i'll just talk to him...his message back seemed a tad...."this came out of left field..what do i say??" when really none of you have to say anything...just htnak you guys....i love you all...you know who you are...And Matt....Matty...I miss you and always will but i'm moving on from this..the only way out is through...and i know now that moving on doesn't mean forgetting or burrying...it means accepting what happened even closer and knowing that you never really left...that you will always be in my heart and in my memories...thank you again for always being an amazing friend and person to everyone..and seeing the good in everything around you....you inspired me...made me strive to live as accepting and loving as i can...Rest Peacfully my friend...until we meet again