from living to dead and back to living..without the zombie

it's good to be alive again...I was sooooo dead....for the passed few years of my life...just going through the motions...school...gym...work....drink....school...work...gym...i was getting so good at being able to fake a smile that i was frightening myself.....It started back in sophomore year at school...I was in a show with the theater department.....With only a few weeks until the show i was taking a shower one day and noticed a large bulge sticking out from my abdominal muscle....it was exactly what i thought it was...an inguinal hernia....i knew i had to get surgery and there would be a long recovery time because abdominal things take a while to heal because you use your abs to do like everything...the doctor wanted to perform the surgery that weekend before it got any bigger....i told him it had to wait until the end of the show...now it may have been about 3 weeks until show time but the show itself was going to run for 3 weekends...that was about 6 weeks i would have to wait to get the surgery..you do what you have to do..
a couple weeks later I got a call from my friend Ashley...the same Ashley that years later had to call me about Justin...Ashley was hysterical....i didn't know what was wrong....She informed me that our friend; her best friend in the whole world, Chris, had hung himself....he was only 17 at the time...just coming out to people...just becoming more secure with himself and his sexuality....there was no sign of depression, trouble, anxiety...nothing...no warning signs with this one AT ALL...I was shocked..I wanted to be home with friends..to comfort them...to be there....it was tech week for the show...i couldn't go home...i had 6 hour rehearsals every day and 12 hour rehearsals on the weekend...which meant i couldn't go to the wake...the funeral....i couldn't go home to where i needed to be...the bitch of a director didn't have any compassion, no empathy...nothing...she said if i went home i wasn't in the show and that she was going to blacklist me in the theater department....so i stayed... i didn't go home and it haunted me for a long time...i still visit his grave....from time to time..
a week after (thanksgiving break) I had the hernia surgery...it was so horrible...i wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy....i had pain in parts of me that no man should ever feel pain if you know what i mean...i couldn't sleep, stand up, lay down, stretch out..the swelling was horrid...and it just hurt SO much...and I can take a lot of pain...it took me 3 weeks to be able to move around without a hobble...and a full year to recover fully...
Within a few months of being able to move pretty normally from the hernia surgery i got an insane bout of pain one night that spread through my lower abdomen....this fiery, stabby, horrid pain that grew to a peak over about an hour..it just got worse and worse and i was sweating and tranced out to remove myself from the situation...i had no idea what the HELL it was...but it hurt....the next day It happened again...in the middle of class...i keeled over....and had to go to health services...they said it was an adhesion from the hernia surgery...but i somehow knew that wasn't the case because of the nature of the pain...they sent me to the hospital where i waited for 4 hours for them to tell me to come back if the pain or a fever sprang up....the next day was a big day...it was the ceremony for the new university president to be sworn in and our choir and chamber choir group were performing a huge thing for it...the concert choir did Carmina Burana with the big "O Fortuna" first movement....and all of the sudden i got chills....fever chills...and felt really really weak..at the snap of finger...it was there...I got back from the ceremony and was running a fever of 101.0...but I still had a big opera gala to sing in that night again as more of the festivities for the inauguration of our school president...so i went and sang...and had to walk off stage as my health deteriorated later in the evening...i went out after and everyone was coming up to me..people i didn't even know and were asking me if i was alright because i was white as a sheet...no color at all....and the pains hit me again....i refused to go home and just wanted to sleep it off in my dorm at school....and the next day i arranged for my sister to come pick me up because i wandered around the previous night in a disillusioned fever induced trance state and had no idea of anything i was doing....i was literally go in nuts from the intensity of the fever...which i ht ought was maybe only 102 by then....I got home and the pains in my stomach returned and ifinally took my temperature....and it read 105.2....i almost freaked out because i know it can cause brain damage and organ failure when your fever is that high....i was rushed to the emergency room....scared....with no idea of what could be wrong with me....it took 3 hours to get in to see the ER doctor...about 3 in the morning....my parents came in with me...they had me drink the chalky crap to do thex-ray and i also had an MRI because they couldn't figure it out either....i was in and out of consciousness when the doctor came in and woke all of us up...and said "well it's a good time you came when you did because if you let it go any longer you would have been in trouble" he went to explain that they found a massive infection in my intestinal tract...and it was causing me to go into septic shock..in other wards the infection had my fever up to 105 and all the poisons from the infection were leaking into my system and poisoning me...he told me if i waited til the next morning i could have been unconscious or dead...they admitted me to a room and told me that infections of that magnitude were most commonly found in people with crohn's disease and that they would run tests because the only way to find out a person has that disease is to catch it when it is active...it's very tricky to accurately diagnose...they put me on heavy heavy IV antibiotics, pain killers, and tylenol to break the fever...my parents went home...i was in a corner room on the top floor with no one around me...i was isolated...alone..scared...i knew i could have a disease that was serious and not cure able....i barely slept that night..dillusional...depressed...lonely....i cried many times..the next day brought visitors...my family...a few friends...we had a fire alarm go of fin the hospital...instead of evacuating they just come and lock people behind the doors...that felt real safe....i was put on a liquid diet for 7 days...chicken broth and non-red jello....and they gave me vitamins and nutrients through IV fluids...my parents stayed with me until that night and eventually left...my mother bought me a stuffed monkey...it was so soft...and it made me feel beater...and they left...and hte night crew came on which was half the staff..still no one in my wing..no other patients or signs of life...i was sinking...scared...so isolated...i just held onto the monkey and hugged it and cried and told myself things would get better...i just needed any type of embrace at that point with anything hat could bring me comfort...they had me in a few more days and finally the day came for the colonoscopy...the night before consisted of me drinking a gallon of laxative.....literally....over 4 hours i had to drink it....gross...i went in for the procedure..my mother with me the whole way (except in the procedure...weird) and they put me out with the drugs...well they didn't give me enough...and I woke up in the middle of it....fully alert because i can remember it clearly...it hurt SO bad...they told me to watch the monitor and that it would all be over soon (as they yelled to sedate me)i remember waking up with this horrid pain in my stomach....it was jsut...bad....i went to yell or scream or anythign to let them know i was awake and to put me back out...but all that would comeout was a quiet moan....ever have sleep paralysis??it was so much worse than that....i was so aware of what i wanted to do but my body wouldn't respond...i was trapped in my head...traumatizing...
well i had crohn's disease...they were able to catch it quite active....when i left the hospital i was down to 120 pounds...at 6 feet tall...people accused me everywhere of having an eating disorder....it sucked..i knew i had been losing weight before this whole ordeal but i was also trying to lose weight...i was 215 pounds....basically the infection and the crohns caused my intestinal tract to go into shock...so i was eating...but my body was not gaining anything from it...i wasn't absorbing anything from the food...so i was starving to death...I was put on a strict diet for a while....and finally gained back some of the weight to a healthy level...but keeping it on is another story...
the next year came...i wanted it to be better...it was interesting..me and derek were broke up but living together...fighting constantly...he threw a table at me once...and went absolutely crazy..that too was a different time for him...he's so much better now..this is the year I met Matt...oh Matt...he would always smile at me whenever I saw him and we finally started talking and hanging out and going to the gym but the summer soon came and we lost touch for a while until we came back the next year..and I found out he was dating my good Friend, Nick..i talked to him a lot on AIM but started seeing him in person less and less..the next year as well...it was my 4th year..i knew i had 5 ahead of me...so i just tried to get through it...I was feeling very stagnant..i had new roommates which was nice because me and Derek needed a break....Me and Matt again lost touch for a little while because he moved back home to be with his family..after a failed suicide attempt earlier that year which i found out later...he made many attempts in his life...so eager to end his life when he was so SO full of living energy...healing energy...kindness..love...it poured out of him....the only other people i really could say radiate light like that are T and E and my friends Sarah and Caroline...and S...I had a rough day one day and was having dreams and premonitions again of being at a funeral..as i usually get when someone around me dies or is going to die....i hate it...it freaks me the hell out...but it has happened with everybody so far....and i never know who is going to die until it happens...i just get the warning in a general sense...but one day felt really off...i was depressed like crazy...and felt nuts...i went to do some composition homework in derek's room because i needed help...and he had such a long face....i asked what was wrong and he told me "I feel so bad...did you hear what happened to that kid??" "You know, what happened ot Nicks boyfriend??" My heart sank..not sank....passed out...stopped beating for a minute...."what happened....WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!" and derek said "He killed himself...i feel so bad for nick..." (Derek had no idea i was friends with Matt...he had no idea i had feelings for Matt...i kept him in the dark on purpose) my heart broke...i can recall the feeling so perfectly...like it just stopped beating and broke in pieces.... i fell to my knees...i had no words...no expression...i was numb...filled with guilt..pain...remorse....i could feel the energy missing in the immediate existence....i couldn't cry...i couldn't speak...i couldn't form words...i walked quietly out to the keyboard....derek followed me in silence....and i sat down...and this song...just came through me...i just played this song....so sad...it was pure emotion....and with the trailing end of it...i cried...and derek held me...and i cried more and more...i cried all night...and the next day...i went to the memorial...the wake...the funeral....i started to become dead inside..i couldn't feel anymore..so much over the past 3 years...so much to deal with..traumatic event after traumatic event....my brain and my heart had enough..i was shutting down...i couldn't write music anymore....i was emotionally dead....and with this I will take an intermission in my story and pick up later...this is not being written as a "Whoa is me" thing...I just want people to see what I actually have been through...not many people really know....and now maybe it can bring light into why i'm SO appreciative about things as of late...because this is in part what i have been going through the past few years....more later